This ridiculous obsession with love

FOR THE RECORD..

...I had a baby on December 11th at 6:08 p.m. and she is beautiful and nice.

Scarlet (no middle name because we agreed to disagree) Jarman

the fine line between damn and thanks

Gratitude is usually easy to feel but it gets a little bit harder when you wake up every two hours to reposition your mound of pillows that surround your ever expanding body. So that's fun.
Being 5 weeks away from having a baby is so weird. Like this thing is coming out soon. Since I'm only a handful of weeks away from bringing a baby home, it's probably time to get a nursery set up. I just painted her room this weekend and maybe I'll set the crib up soon. It's not like she cares what the room looks like anyway and she doesn't even need a crib until she starts to move a lot in her sleep. We have a really big couch that she will like until then. Our dog seems to love it. I think instead of going through that Nesting phase, I'm going through Apathying. I don't care about most things these days. But not in a depressive way this time. I'm finding it hard to care about being social, being nice, being tactful, and working. Which maybe isn't so far off from my normal self. hmm.
But. I have been super needy and whiny. I am obsessed with Tyler lately. Like I am acting like we just started dating and I have to sit right next to him all day. And when I go to the grocery store, I just get flustered cause he isn't there to be practical and help us buy "meal food" so I end up just buying veggie corn dogs and frozen fruit. If someone invites me to go somewhere without him, I dread it because thinking about being away from Tyler for more than 30 minutes makes me want to pass out. What if I have a really good joke or I see someone trip and he can't be there to laugh with me?
I have been thinking about not letting people come see us in the hospital after she is born because I don't want anyone else to hold her. But then I realize that I am really going crazy for sure. So even if I hate that you're holding my baby for too long, I'll probably just look at Tyler so he can give me the "it's OK, calm down" look and I'll get over it.

at least I can't do this

11 weeks. Until baby gal comes. I have had two dreams where I've had the baby and I can see what she looks like and then I wake up and I'm really mean to everyone the rest of the day because she isn't really here.
Last week of school is on the 8th and I don't know if I can even use the word 'excited'. I'm just happy that I won't be so mean to everyone. I'm surprised people even talk to me anymore. Shout out to all you guys.
I started to incorporate a few different things into my massage recently so my hands don't hate me everyday and it made me actually like giving massages. Once I graduate, I can give you one. If you can do something cool in return maybe we can even trade.
The baby shower that my mom and sister are doing is coming up and I'm really excited to see how cute it's going to be. It's going to be cute because my mom and Meagan are really good at making things cute. I try to make things that are cute but I usually get distracted and stop halfway through so it ends up looking trashy. I feel sorry for my sister for when I plan her shower. Sorry ahead of time.
Ty and I are starting our baby class this week. It's at this house and some girl teaches it. She is trained in hypnobirthing, Bradly Method and probably some other stuff too. I am excited for Tyler to learn. He doesn't really listen to me when I try and teach him about labor and delivery but probably mainly because I just talk about how hospitals are just trying to make money off of everyone. I really need to calm down with all these crazy baby conspiracies.
I don't when I went so crazy. I blame Netflix mostly.

big pills are harder to swallow

my husband cares about decorating. this came as a shock to me when i realized it. my experience with the typical married man is that they only care about sports and steak yet I have never been to a steakhouse or watched a single sporting event with my tyler. these things are his choice, really, i did not sway him one bit. ty's idea of fun is talking, watching Ancient Aliens and going to Border's to look at art magazines. sometimes he even has the nerve to tell me what i'm wearing doesn't "go together". i'm being cute and eclectic, leave me alone!

continuing along those eclectic lines, i love buying random crap for my house. buying a house was a really bad idea. it gave me the freedom to buy crap for more than one room. tyler has strong opinions on how the house should look and what "feel" it should have. up until this point i have completely ignored him. big mistake. in my attempt to my the house feel like home, i just embarrassed myself. apparently green, blown glass buddah heads don't go with just anything. how many sets of curtains and cans of paint does someone really need? the old me would say, "the more the merrier!" well she was an idiot.

some might call me an impulsive shopper but used to think I was being spontaneous and fun.
after a year and a half of being spontaneous and fun at garage sales, Hobby Lobby's 60% off section, dollar store, KSL and generous family member's houses, it's time i admit that my house is disorienting and confusing at best.

it kind of felt good to admit this. now comes the fun part of purging. the one thing i like more than buying crap is throwing crap(or sometimes crucial papers) away.

everything goes!

it's down to bare bones.

this is going to be weird.

this also means that i have agreed to let tyler have a say in what happens in the nursery. no more saying, "you shouldn't even care, you're a boy".

changing is hard.

shiny body stuff

In my Structural and Movement class at the Utah College of Massage Therapy, I am learning some pretty cool things. This class is all about learning how you hold your body and the "holding patterns" that people develop over the years. Like you know when girls stick their butts out really far to make their butts look cuter?
That is called an anterior tilt and it's really bad for your pelvis and throws off your posture and muscles like crazy. Just tuck it back in, boys aren't worth anterior tilts.
Speaking of anterior tilts. I'm sick of skinny girls talking about their "pooches". Imagine if you will a bowl of fruit. Now imagine your pelvis filled with intestines. If you tip that bowl forward, the fruit/intestines are going to spill out. When you try to be cute and stick your butt out, your making your guts spill forward which is most likely what is causing that pooch. So yea, let's just all take a minute and put it all back.

I am also learning about Fascia. oh fascia. It is some gooood stuff. Have you ever noticed when you peel skin off of a chicken or when you eat real beef jerky and you see that silvery, shiny stuff? I don't know what this looks like since I've never skinned a chicken or eaten any kind of jerky but these are the examples my teacher gave me.
Anyway, that stuff is fascia.
Actually I have seen it before on a dead person. I went up to the University of Utah to their cadaver lab and saw fascia there. It's pretty.

So fascia surrounds your muscles, every muscle fiber and is all over inside your entire body. It's everywhere guys.

You know when you're just starting to run and you feel really stiff and then like 30 minutes later you feel all loose and warm? That's the fascia being warmed and loosened which in turn loosens the muscle.

Fascia is like coconut oil or butter or wax. It's solidified when at a regular temperature but when it gets warm, it totally liquefies.

Structural body work is all about loosening that fascia through slow, deep strokes and putting the tissue in your body back where it's supposed to be. It's those holding patterns we develop that pull the tissue out of place.

You know when you make your bed and put the bedspread on but the sheets underneath are still wrinkly and you can see the wrinkles through the top layer? That's what our skin is like. It's just the top layer of our body, but if our fascia is too tight or being pulled out of place, we look wrinkly.

Sometimes when you look at people on TV or at the pool or wherever shirtless people are and you see their back and they look like they have stripes or shadows in their lower back area. I started to google some pictures to show as an example but all that would come up was back fat through spaghetti straps tank tops. So do your own googling and see if you can see what I mean.
I used to think that those shadows or dips in their back was just part of back fat. Turns out. It's too tight fascia.

I asked my teacher. "Do you think sometimes if you think you have cellulite, it's really just tight fascia?"
She said. "Oh absolutely!"

This is the good news. You might not have as much cellulite as you think. All you need is some good structural bodywork done.

I would say, call me and I'll come straighten your issues out but I don't graduate until October and I know you won't be able to wait.
Until then, I know a girl would is an amazing body worker. I would be so happy to give you her number. Her name is Jessica.

great folks

sometimes or everyday I think about how hard my life is and how busy I am and how I would give anything to just stay home and have even the CHANCE to be bored for once. Also, sometimes or everyday I think about why I'm the one who had to get sick and why I'm the one with a husband who has a hurty back.
Sometimes I think about these things but then sometimes Pioneer Day just shows up out of nowhere and reminds me how big of an idiot I am.
Can you even imagine how much I would complain if I had to leave my cool house and WALK all the way across the country? I'd like to think I'd be valiant and steadfast and a great leader but really. I'd be the worst.


There was no such thing as a 2 day hospital stay when you had to give birth. You just had to squat down somewhere along the way, push that baby out and then just keep walking some more.

There were no Harmon's they could just swing by when the pioneers were sick of eating flour for every meal.

Sometimes for me, being sick means that I can't drive. Pioneers never got to ask, "should I take the car or the scooter tonight?"

I HATE when the hem of my pants get wet during the winter. Pioneer women didn't even have pant. They probably didn't even have socks.

To them, Angry Birds probably meant dying from the bird flu.

When I get off work on Sunday mornings at 7am, I only get 5 hours of sleep until I have to get up for church.
When there were packs of wolves lurking around the pioneer's campsites and night, they probably got 1 second of sleep.


All I'm saying is, we are pretty dang lucky. I may not have the coolest stripes for the season but at least I have clothes. I may not have all the time that I wish I had but at least I can be 99% sure that I will be alive tomorrow.

Hats off to the pioneers. Ya'll are some tough mothas.

uncontrolled happy

Dude.

We're having a girl.

I have never been so happy.

Something smells fishy.

I am officially into my second trimester. It's still weird that I, me, Courtney am talking about being pregnant. It feels so foreign and slightly creepy. I don't feel pregnant. Besides my daily emotional outbursts over Tyler not letting me quit school and work, things are pretty normal around here.

I promise you there is a a rule somewhere that says once you get knocked up, you're only obligation is to grow a human. Some people have clearly missed that memo. I'm not giving up. I'd much rather be bored by my own choice.

A kid at school asked me if he could punch my baby and then I asked him if I could punch his face. It got a laugh but I still wonder about that boy. Already people are trying to get all up in my stomach business and touch it. I keep telling them it's still just my fat but they refuse to believe me. Annoying.

If we want, we can find out if we're having a boy or girl at 15-16 weeks. There is a guy in our ward who does ultrasounds and he gives all the pregnant women free ones. What a treat. He has only been wrong once but maybe he's only done 12 ultrasounds in his career thus far.

This means we can find out in like 2 weeks. I wanted a boy for a month or so but then my mom gave me a giant box full of baby girl clothes she got from a gal at work and now I'll be mad if it's not a girl. I'm allowed to say that because I'll only be mad until the boy is born. Then I'll be forced to love him regardless.

My mom, dad, brothers, sister and BIL gave Tyler tile for his birthday this year. They changed out our yellow, 50's style linoleum flooring for new, CLEAN tile in the kitchen. It was a marathon of work for these poor people. I have a feeling they all slightly resent us for not being able to help. I would say we helped a lot. We kept moral up with Diet Mountain Dew and Havarti cheese.

I have to remind myself that I don't need to tip-toe through caked on dirt the kitchen anymore.
My mom said that she totally over helping us MSers and back injury folks with yard work and household repairs. It's all for the baby now. I have a feeling I won't be the center of attention once this thing is born. I am not liking where this is going already.
Time to step my jokes.

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility.I hope she is cool with me calling her my friend. We shared a few classes together and Independence High School and that shiz bonds people for life.

She was able to have 3 boys on her own but as of late, her body isn't cooperating.

She and her husband are in the process of adopting and this a letter she wrote to herself.

I immediately thought of someone close to me who is also going through a similar story.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard.

You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok.

Because it's not fair.

Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not.

And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,

sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.

It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you

are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very

own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently.

Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see.

Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts

content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!

Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.

But don't ever feel broken.

The baby loves this possibly more than me

Minute 3:17. Perfection.

Original Scent

We heard babies heartbeat today.
Kind of heavy.

My nurse/midwife sent me to get an ultrasound to make sure the babe was growing OK. You know, MS has been known to eff things up in the past.

She told me that I need to drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound so my bladder would push my uterus closer to the surface.
I was trying really hard to cry and act really sentimental but all I could think about was peeing in my purse.
It didn't help that the tech was smashing the wand thing into my stomach.
Actually, I don't blame her. This sounds like the best joke and best job.
To be there while a couple is sharing a monumental moment and to see these desperate pregnant women trying really hard not to pee the whole time.

Genius job.

December 18th is my due date but only 5% of babies actually come on their due date so I'm not even believing this.
I'll let baby decide.

A lot of my graveyard shifts constist of me viewing dance videos on YouTube. I prefer watching the dances from America's Best Dance Crew. These videos always make me happy and get my pumped up. I don't what it is but, watching these videos always make me feel like I can dance that well. They make it look so seamless.

Every once in a while, I try a few of these moves but I just hurt myself instead.
Then I look around to make sure that the kids in their cells aren't watching me.

just call me Michael Moore

As I learn more and more about child birth and labor, the more it fascinates me. I can't get enough information, can't watch enough documentaries and can't help but talk about it to everyone I come in contact with. It's such a complex and simple thing.

My head is constantly spinning.

This is what I want from you.

I want to know about the experience you had with breastfeeding.

More specifically, I want to hear from the people that had troubles with breastfeeding.

I want to know if you were induced or went into labor.

I want to know if you had a C-section or natural.

I want to know if you had an epidural or pain killer free.

I want to know what the reasons were that it was difficult(milk wouldn't come in, baby wouldn't latch, etc.)

I am doing a mini study in my brain and trying to figure some things out.

After I get the response I'm looking for, I will put it all together and let you in on if my theory is correct.

Help a sista out.

status: happy

I love you all.

Thank you so much for your sharing your experiences and

giving advice.

Prayers are answered and I found a group of certified nurse midwives that accept my insurance plan. They are at New Beginnings in Orem right next to Orem Community Hospital. I will be getting all of my prenatal care through them and they will also be the ones to deliver my babe. I will be delivering in the labor and delivery section of Orem Community and they have back up physicians in case of emergencies.

AND..since I am TRIPLE covered by insurance(I guess I should thank Obama and my mom for that) I anticipate paying very little out of pocket for this event. woo.hoo.

I am the happiest girl.

p.s. Becca, I so wish you lived down here because I would LOVE to have you as my doula.

calling all woah-men

Hope-I want a natural birth. My dream delivery story would be a water birth at home with a midwife.

Problem-my insurance won't cover midwifes, Birthing Centers, etc...

I feel strongly about doing a natural child birth.
I feel strongly about Hypno-birthing.
I also feel strongly about a water birth.

None of these things are covered. If I want any of these things, I will have to pay for them myself.

I know that I have the option of going to the hospital to have my baby and just passing on the epidural but I'm quickly learning that once your in the grips of those nurses and docs, you almost have no say in what happens with your body/birth.
A lot of these "necessary" interventions such as Pitocin, really aren't necessary 95% of the time. It just speeds things up for the hospitals timeline so they can get you in and out asap in order for another woman to take your place.
Hospitals are a business and they're goal is to make money.

Okay, wow...

I need to calm down.

Please watch The Business of Being Born if you want to know exactly what I'm talking about. It's on Netflix. If you want, we can even have a party at my house and watch it together. We can all dress up like babies too.

This is my cry for help.

I know I am still in the early early stages of pregnancy but I want to start planning now.
Most women that I have spoken with have only gone through the "traditional" labor so I don't know a lot about the kind of birth I want and how possible that is in the county of Utah.

If you or anyone you know has done a home birth, water birth, natural birth, Hypno-birthing, used midwives, Doualas, etc., please let me know!

I'm thinking that it might come down to money and that I'll have to just suck it up and use a regular doctor but I still want to know if there are any docs out there who are willing to work around your birth plan and who are willing to listen to what you want.

PLEASE. I'M BEGGING.

Right now I have an appointment with the group of doctors at Utah Valley Obstetrics. Dr. Wolsey, Rees, Gamette, Thorpe, Jacobs, Broeberg, etc.
When I spoke to the nurse on the phone, I got the feeling that she wasn't so keen the idea of natural anything.
Does anyone have experience with these peeps?

I need your help!

something cool

I've never been able to keep a secret. I think that makes me a bad friend.

So this is me not keeping a secret after only knowing it for 24 hours.

I am totally knocked up.

I feel like I'm faking it and someone is going to catch me in my lie any minute.

After 2+ years we FINALLY get one of those cute, tiny humans everyone else has.

After I saw the results of the test, I had to take the instructions out of the box to make sure that a plus sign really means positive.

I went insane for a second.

Then I screamed for Tyler and he pretended he didn't know what a plus sign meant.

Then we would laugh hysterically, stare off into the distance, not talk to each other and say, "what the heck?" for the following 4 hours.

so

I don't answer doors. Especially my own front door. Ideally, I would prefer a call in advance to warn me that someone will be knocking on my door. It's always better for both parties if I get a chance to mentally and emotionally prepare.

Do you invite them in or let them stand on your porch?

It would be the polite thing to let them in but what if they are only planning on staying for a second and they feel bad saying no so they come in and sit down. Then they feel pressure to stay longer and we both end up hating me.

I'll never catch on.

Today I was laying on the couch which is right under the window that faces the front of our house. You can always see who is coming to the door before they knock. I saw a lady walk past the window and then she knocked. I muted the TV and played dead.

But wait, here comes Tyler, crap!

I ran into the room and this is what I witness with my own ears:

(Tyler opens door to a lady selling coupons)

Lady: You look like a guy who loves steak!

Tyler: um...actually we're vegetarians.

Lady:...oh...really?...well these Steers were vegetarians before they were slaughtered!

Tyler: Looks like they had the right idea.

Lady: yea...ok bye!

I am still trying to figure out what she meant by that.

Was that her fantasic selling strategy or was she just grasping at straws at that point?

Weirest person.

Couldn't have said it better

My hands shake as my words slur,

But it’s not what you think.

I trip and I sway,

Though I haven’t had a drink.

I could fall at any moment.

And this never leaves my mind

But I’m trying hard to manage

As I’m on this MS ride.

My legs look normal But feel like rubber.

My arms look strong enough,

But melt like butter.

I have slept for hours,

But my eyes still droop.

I want to walk straight,

But my head loop-de-loops.

You think I’m paying attention,

But my mind has wandered away.

I want to speak clearly,

But I’m stuttering today.

I try to read your email,

But I am seeing double.

I want to come with you,

But walking gives me trouble.

I may need your patience

And your compassion too.

But never your pity

For all I have to do.

I need you to be kind.

And try to understand.

I’m living a new life

Doing the best that I can.

I am making an effort

To be someone who

Is making a difference

In my own life too.

Give me a chance

Be on my side

I am still me

Even with all the drama inside.

My body has changed

But my heart is the same.

I still have a beautiful life

Even when playing the MS game.

The thing I need the most

As you try to understand

Is the comfort and confidence

That I still have my friend

By Tammy Malkowski

goo gee gaa gyyy

My work is having a weight loss challenge. They split us up into teams and we all get a pedometer to count how many steps we take in a month's time. I know my team is going to win because my legs are shorter so I take more steps than anyone at work. It angers me that people still haven't caught on to the fact that I work graveyards. Dear callers/voicemailers/texters I will not be responding to you until I wake up at 2 p.m. Wednesday-Sunday. Make a mental note. Unless my schedule isn't your top priority. Which it's probably not. I can't stop watching Kitchen Nightmares on Fox. I love when Chef Ramsay first gets to the restaurant and samples the food. The servers try to be helpful by suggesting their favorite foods but then he just ends up swearing about how much he hates everything. I love when he remodels the restaurant and makes everyone cry. And like right now, one of the owners just got really mad at a server and shoved him out of the kitchen.

At work we use radios to talk to each other and for eight hours I just think about all the funny things I want to say over them. No one really thinks I'm funny here so I know I would end up just being ignored. All I want to do is play weird songs and make scary noises over the radio. In school today I learned that you have a hormone called Melatonin that is in charge of your Sleep Wake Cycles. It responds mostly to light so if you can't sleep, don't try to watch TV or play on the computer. That just adds more light and your Melatonin will never release into your blood system. So no TV.

duh.

how to strengthen your marriage

This weekend we had people over for dinner. Right before they got to our house, we got in a fight. I think it had to do with me thinking Tyler didn't do the dishes enough or something. When our guests arrived, we were still fuming. At our dinner table we have 4 chairs. One of the chairs has a broken leg. I decided to be a good host and let our friends use the functional chairs and I took the lame chair. I sat down to eat and forgot about the tripod chair. The chair buckled under my clumsy weight and I slipped halfway under the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler watching the whole scene play out. He was the only one who noticed and he tried really hard not to laugh. Fight over. If only there were more 3 legged chairs in my life.

walking can be fun

Hey.

If you're Coocoo for Coco, register to be on my team for the MS Walk fundraiser on April 30th in SLC. You can donate money that goes towards research and finding a cure for this nasty disease but if you don't donate, please come walk with me(I would probably love that more anyway). It's free.

I am sososososososo excited for this walk. I start bawling just thinking about all of the love and support I have already felt from everyone that I know. Seeing that sea of Orange in Salt Lake is seriously going to be the kicker. Freakin bawl baby.

The next segment I write is more for my records than anything. I have touched on some of these points in an earlier post but I need to remember every detail. I realize I can write it in a journal but writing makes my hand hurt.

The day that I got my spinal tap was also the day that my family, my uncle's fam and my grandparents had planned to go up to my sister's mission president's cabin. I was told that there was a good chance that I wouldn't feel good enough to do anything for 24 hours after the procedure but you know me, when someone tells me No, I say eff that.

Ty and I rode up with Meg and Callin. I got the front seat. You automatically get whatever you want when you get spinal taps. I started to get ridiculously dizzy and nauseated so that sucked.
Next day. Went shopping in Park City. Felt kind of crappy but I made it through. Even managed to buy some things in between dizzy spells. Go me.

Enter best friend. Mykenzie Hydo. We went to all years of school together and hardly interacted until about a year ago when she said she had a strange prompting to get in contact with me. Who wouldn't want a best friend like that? At this point, she didn't know about my diagnosis and she happened to call me while I was shopping. She asked me how things were going so I told her. Then the most amazing thing happened.

Mykenzie: Courtney, remember how we're best friends?
Me: yea
Myk: remember how we are meant to be in each other's lives?
Me: yea..
Myk: did you forget that my internship is at the National MS Society of Utah?...
Me: *bawling* (I completely forgot that she had told me this months before I got sick)
She is my lifeline when it comes to the latest news and treatments. I do love her.

back to the cabin weekend...

that night I felt really horrible so we all hung out on our bed (ty and I got the master bedroom, thank you spinal tap) and watched Across the Universe.

I also got the chance to get an amazing blessing from my dad. In the blessing he told me that I would live to see my children grow up. The fact that I wouldn't, was one of my biggest, unspoken fears. In that moment, I felt completely uplifted.
Afterwards, we all sat around the fireplace, talked, cried, laughed a lot, sang and I savored every second of it.

Sunday was THE hell of my hell month. I woke up and tried lifting my head off my pillow. Just that small action made me feel like I was being spun in an office chair at full speed. I really wish I could describe how horrible this feeling was just trying to sit up. It took at least 10 tries. Even the slightest movement sent me into dizzy spell after dizzy spell. With my amazingly patient husband's help, I got into the shower.

I stood there in the shower with my eyes closed, pride swallowed and heart full. My love and respect for him reached an entirely new level when he stood there with me and washed my back.

With my balance being off, If I wanted to walk anywhere in the cabin, I needed someone to be there to keep me upright. Otherwise, I would run myself right into the wall, floor, table, railing, etc.
After breakfast, we got me into the truck and drove home. Once we got home, I couldn't walk myself into the house so my dad carried me in and put me on the couch. Once I was settled down, the car ride caught up to me and I threw up my breakfast. Awesome.

Everyone went home and the night just got worse. After a few hours of hellish hell, we decided a trip to the ER would possibly help. For some reason, which I can't remember now, we couldn't take our car so we called my bro and sis-in-law, Ali and Warner to pick us up. They were so amazing and didn't laugh when they saw me wearing Ty's giant flannel shirt and my giant grey sweat pants. We got to the ER and of course once I sit down, I violently throw up which makes everyone in the room scatter away from us. Super.
Ali and Warner stayed and kept us company for a good two hours.
Again, a new level of love.
We finally got a room and after the wheelchair ride back, you guessed it, upchuck time.
My mother-in-law, Lydia came and stayed with us until 2 a.m.
Love level.
I got an IV of something that was supposed to help with the dizziness and nausea. I can't remember if it worked though...maybe that means it did?

She took us home and we slept for a long time.

to the beat ya'll

My heart grows when I discover new music.
Justin Nozuka
Ron Pope
The Xx
Yeah Yeah Yeahs-I knew who they were but I am just now fully appreciating them
Florence + the Machine-the love has been going strong for a while

I also rekindled my love for R&B in the recent weeks.

112, Brian McKnight, Dru Hill, Monica, En Vogue, Jagged Edge, Tyrese, Ashanti, Jon B., Baby Face, Boyz II Men, SWV, TLC, Ginuwine, Black Street, LL Cool J, etc etc etc. Oh I could just go on and ON.

I never could resist a boy with a great "Slow Jamz" CD.
Not that there were a lot of boys, maybe 2 or 3...I'll just stop there.
These days, all a boy has to do is swear at a girl or NOT pay for dinner and he gets lucky.
Talk about LAAAZY!

Pearl, at work, tells me that she's never met a white girl who loves R&B as much as I do. She told me that I'm black on the inside. I'll accept that.

The song that I can't get enough of lately is a Tears for Fears song called Mad World. I love the Donnie Darko version the best. Dean plays this song during yoga. There is something magical about crazy contortionists mixed with creepy songs. I die happy every time.

I'm hating Lady Gaga lately. Basically, if you're clinically insane with daddy issues, you can call yourself a "creative artist" and Hollywood is all over it. Have you read the Hunger Games? Hollywood reminds me of the nut jobs in the Capitol.
I couldn't care less about the Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, Emmys, etc.
Would you waste two hours of your day watching all the rich, popular kids talk about how cool they are?
No, you wouldn't.
So why do you?

Post Op

It's been over a month since I got the procedure for my CCSVI done and
man am I feelin' GOOD!

Let us begin with Dick. He was my personal male nurse/comedian. He is a fantastic man. He swore a lot and made really funny jokes. He also made me bleed like a gallon of blood when he was putting my IV in and I didn't even pass out. The best part is that he gave me a $25 gift card to the University Mall. What would I have done without Dick?... The nurse. perv.

The best part of the whole day is that I was surrounded by men. From the waiting room to the procedure room. There were like 5 men in the room with me. It was raining men.
HALLELUJAH.
Once the operating room, one of the pretties asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to during the procedure. I was too flustered to give a straight answer so he picked Jack Johnson for me.

I didn't get completely knocked out because Dr. Hatch still needed me to be slightly coherent. To get to my Assuages vein, they had to go in through my femoral vein. The vein that's RIGHT in the crease of your groin. So I was totally Full Monty for all the boys.
Yea.
The last thing I really remember was looking to my left and seeing six monitors and my skeleton. I could turn my head from side to side and see it moving on the monitors. It was cool.

Turns out that the vein they thought was blocked, was totally clear. It turned out to be my Assuages vein that was the issue. That's the vein that all of the veins around your ribs flow into. It was at least 60% blocked.

Because they ballooned my vein, I had to be on blood thinners for three weeks so a blood clot wouldn't form. Shots. In my stomach. Everyday. Passing out everyday gets old really fast.

I really feel like the CCSVI has helped my symptoms. I can drive, walk straight and watch TV without throwing up. I also started these supplements by DoTerra that have saved my life. I think the B12 and fish oil have helped the most. They have saved me during my graveyard shifts. The B12 keeps me peppy even when 4am rolls around.

Guys, I really feel fab.
It's like I don't even have MS.
I continue to do my yoga toga at 3b Studio in Riverwoods and I can do some pretty sweet balance poses. Dean says my body is built for yoga. We love Dean. And I'm allowed to brag because this is really the only thing I've ever been good at. Just ask my mom.

Yoga! Toga! Toga!

(I can really do this!)

Healthy people feel bad for sick people.
This fact is coming in handy for me.
I've had more free lunches in the past 3 months than I've had in my 24 years of living.
I am also getting free yoga and swimming classes.
There is a lovely man named Dean who teaches yoga at 3b down in River Woods who finds us sickies and attempts to teach us yoga. We don't have the best balance in the world so it can get really funny at times.
Dean is an angel in yoga pants.
He does this stuff for free!
He takes time out of his day to do this for FREE.
I am so very grateful for his huge heart.
I'm guessing after you do yoga for a while, you adopt this very calm and contemplative demeanor because that is what he has and all of his yogi interns.

I hate it.

I can be loud and spastic at times and he.. isn't. He's just calm. All the time.
I pray that someday I won't always be yelling and laughing.
I love yoga. Dean says I'm a natural. I would believe anything he told me.
During our first session at his house, he asked me if I had ever been a dancer or a gymnast. I told him I was just a wannabe. He didn't laugh but Ty did. That's why I take him with me places. He's my fail safe.

I can also do this...
..and this..
..and this.
Just kidding.


So swimming. Brittany is the girl who teaches me. She went to BYU and graduated with an English degree and then she was going to apply for law school but decided to go to yoga school instead. She is opening up her own studio on Center Street in Provo right above that Karate School.
To get a good visual of how well I did my first day, imagine someone drowning. That's what I looked like the whole time. Instead of turning my head to the side to take a breath in between strokes, I just swallowed water. I'm done talking about this.

I love selfless people and I love yoga. These two things bring hope back to humanity. For real.