CCSVI

Chronic cerebro-spinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI) is a term used to describe compromised flow of blood in the veins draining the central nervous system. It has been hypothesized to play a role in the cause of multiple sclerosis (MS). This hypothesis was first put forth by Paolo Zamboni in 2008. An endovascular intervention for the syndrome has been attempted however further research is required to determine if the benefits outweigh the risks of the procedure.

In a nutshell. People that have MS are more likely to have veins that are collapsed or restricted and once they get the venogram, their symptoms go away almost immediately. The interventional radiologist goes in through the femoral vein and looks for those sad veins that need to be happy again. Once they find one, they put a little balloon in the vein and blows it back up. Creepy huh?

This is a new procedure that folks with MS are volunteering to undergo. I have only heard good things about it and I talked to Dr. Vincent about it and she was all for letting me take a shot at it. She ordered the venogram for me and we got it scheduled for today. A week or so ago I got an ultra sound on my jugular veins because they suspected that this is where I might have some restricted veins. The results came back that I did have a little abnormality in some veins so I was a good candidate for the CCSVI procedure.

My procedure was scheduled for 12:30 p.m. At 10:30 a.m., someone called me from the hospital and said that since I hadn't seen Dr. Hatch yet; there was no way that this procedure could take place. The lady I spoke to said she didn't know how I had gotten onto the schedule for today but I was going to have to reschedule.

I was so ready to be done feeling this way. So ready to be done feeling nauseous after looking at the computer. So done not being able to watch TV. So done not being able to drive and SOOO done not being able to walk without looking like a drunkard. I was crushed. I cried all of my make-up off and put my sweats back on.

I called my mom and told her what happened. She was all over the situation(she works in the radiology department so she has the inside scoop). She got on the phone with Dr. Hatch and basically ripped him a new one. If I was brave enough, I would have done this myself. He said that the hospital caught up with him and said that he hadn't turned in the correct paper work for me. blah blah blah. He apologized a billion times and said there was nothing he could do.

So for now, the earliest I can get in for the pre-venogram is on January 7th to make sure I am even a candidate(happy birthday Chels!). After that, who knows how soon I can get in for the real venogram?

I'm pissed, sad, and tired.

It's so important not to stress too much because stress makes my symptoms worse but that is almost impossible today.

Faith, not fear.

Weaknesses of the Flesh

You know how some blogs are somewhat interesting until the girl has a baby and then the blog turns into a look-how-cute-and-smart-my-baby-is-blog?
I don't have a baby but I do have MS.
This blog in now officially my "Let's talk about how NOT cute my MS is blog."
Have you ever been intoxicated in anyway with either alcohol or pills? If so, you'll know what I'm talking about.
The dizziness that lives with me every single day is like being drunk 24/7.
I can see the images in front of me but I can't, for the life of me, focus on just one object.
It's like my eyes just constantly jump around all day.
Watching TV,texting, reading and being on the computer make this dizziness substantially worse.
Which makes life really suck.
Now moving onto my balance. I have none.
I tend to lean towards the right as I walk down the halls and isles which makes me look like a wino.

I am fatigued after showering and crying really knocks me out.

Before November 4th, I really thought I could call myself a strong person who could handle almost anything. Just in the past 3 years I have dealt with 2 years of disabling back pain, 1 back surgery, 1 possible second back surgery, infertility, loss of jobs, and depression.

Over coming some of these things, you would think I would be a strong person right?

I can 100 percent, wholeheartedly say that I am NOT as strong as I thought.

My days consist of waking up, crying, yelling at Tyler out of frustration and fear, sleeping.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I just can't figure out how to NOT less this take over my life.
I am so disgustingly sick of talking about it but I know some people
like to know about it and about how I'm feeling so I don't want to deny them a chance
to learn more about MS.
I have become a thousand times more emotional than I was before if that's possible.

I had an amazing epiphany during sacrament meeting last week as we were singing the sacrament hymn.

Jesus knows what it feels like to have MS.
He knows how it feels to be too tired to smile and say that everything is going to be okay.
Because the truth is that I have no idea if things are going to be okay.
But I know someone who knows how I feel and that in itself is so comforting.

During fast and testimony meeting today someone said that fear and faith cannot exist in the same space.
I know that I need faith but it's so much easier said than done when you're in the middle of feeling like a 24 year old stuck inside an 80 year old's body.
It's easy to have faith when you feel healthy and strong.
I am working on this faith thing.
There is so much more happiness in faith.
I know that.
I need to be happy again. My husband needs me to be happy again.
My mom and sister need their hilarious daughter and sister back.

Among other things, maybe this trial was given to me to force me to truly understand what faith means.

I see my neurologist this week to see about medications and other treatments. Her name is Pamela Vincent and I know that she is my girl. There have been too many signs leading me to her that I can't deny.
She recommends yoga to her patients for goodness sake!

Right up my granola ally.

Thank You

I was kind of thrown off by the rap but that
didn't stop me from crying like an 8 pound baby.

November 4

I write this with blurry vision so don't mind my typos and many other errors. This needs to be documented and really, who writes in journals these days? It just makes your hand hurt.
November 4th began on October 24th. The day after my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. I woke up and noticed that my right foot was a little numb. I didn't think much of it and I definitely did not tell Tyler. I hate attention when it comes to my health.
Two days later during school, I scratched the right side of my head was also numb. With further inspection, I felt(or didn't feel) that the numbness had taken over my entire right side. I asked my wonderful massage variations teacher, Kathy Thomas what it could mean. She thought for a while and couldn't think of a reasonable explanation for my symptoms but suggested that I go see a doctor.
At this point, I didn't think much of seeing a doc since I had no other real symptoms until i woke up the next morning.
I got out of bed to get ready for work and noticed that I was having difficulty catching my balance. Again, I didn't think anything of it. Weird things happen to me all the time so I wasn't too worried.
The dizziness hit me while I was a work. This type of dizziness is like when you turn your head to look at the something or someone and it take a few second for your brain to catch up to the image which make nausea a perfect companion. All I could do was keep my eyes closed and my head on my desk. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes could not just stayed focused on one thing. After two days of this, Tyler decided it was time to see my doctor.
The doc started all sorts of tests to rule out Bell's Palsy, stroke and who knows what else. After all those came back negative, he threw his hands up and admitted defeat(mostly for my sake because I believe he knew the whole time). He ordered me to go the hospital ASAP for a CT scan for further testing. Ty and I get there with my mom following just minutes behind.
One preg test and one CT scan later.Both test came back negative. I have gotten used to many a pregnancy test coming back negative but when someone else tells you, it's a new level of hurt.

Now onto blood work. Same story. Everything comes back dandy.

Thursday, November 4th.
I always wanted to know what it would be like to go into that big tube like machine.
It was actually quite relaxing. Fell asleep a few times even.
Waiting was the hardest part. Around 1 ish my mom texts me to tell me that the radiologist sees, "fog and dust" on my brain scan.
Me thinking it's a joke saying that I have no brain, I laugh it off.
A while later my mom encourages me to call my doctor to have him read the report to me.
I believe at this point she already knew.
I call him and leave a message. Waiting. Waiting. More waiting.
At 5:20 p.m. he calls me.
I have MS.
I can't stop the river of tears down my face. Tyler still doesn't know but he is crying just like me.
Once I get off the phone he just holds me and we cry and cry.
My mom showed up 2 minutes after I get the news.
She sees me and I ask her if she already knows and I can see her heart break.
She hugs me and we cry.

The only real interaction I've had with someone with MS, they were in their mid 20's and in a wheel chair.

Was that going to be me? What about work? What about school? How am I supposed to give body work to my clients when I can't even stand on my own?
What about all the babies I want to have?
Will they resent me for being a sick mom?
How am I supposed to take care of Tyler and his back pain?
Am I going to miss out on the holidays and time with my family?

In that moment, I felt myself age by 30 years.

I feel so betrayed by my body. I really though that being a vegetarian would excempt me from gettting sick. I have always been known as the girl who doesn't get sick. The girl who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I had endless energy.

That is ALL gone. Within two weeks my life has changed forever.

The next day I am ordered to get a spinal tap to confirm or deny the MS diagnosis.
After two hours of waiting it's finally my turn. I was asked to lay flat on my stomach while they put the big needle between my lumbar vertebrae. A spinal tap is literally like tapping a tree. You just sit there and wait for the spinal fluid to drip into the vial. The nurse said that it usually takes between 15 minutes to over an hour.

I only took 2 minutes-tender mercy?

That night my immediate and extended family had the opportunity to stay the weekend at my sister's mission president's cabin. It was one of the best times I've had with my family. My dad gave me the most beautiful and comforting blessing. So many worries and questions were answered. Questions that I had only expressed in my heart.

Come Monday morning my doctor calls me about the spinal tap results.
I have been officially diagnosed with MS. It came as no surprise to me. I don't cry much about it anymore either because I am out of tears or because I feel sustained from everyone that loves me.

Heavenly Father loves me. He knows how I am feeling. He knows I'm scared. He loves me and will comfort me through every treatment, every test and every breakdown. This is the only thing that I KNOW to be true.


TODAY I am grateful that while I stood in the shower holding onto the ledge, Tyler washed my hair and shaved my armpits for me.
TODAY I am grateful that I don't throw up after every car ride.
TODAY I am grateful that my mom, Meagan and Chase came over and cleaned.
These things are love in it's most raw, selfless form.

pass the homemade granola

Free chandelier from MIL.

Paint $5
Thank you.
Craigslist hutch.

Painted Ivory and modge podged scrapbook paper to the back.
Sanded until the bottom white and red layers showed through.

Onto more important things....

Why is it that we know more about Paris Hilton's dog than we do about how our own bodies work? And how doesn't everyone know that human touch is the medicine for practically everything?
I feel myself become more and more granola and hippie by the day.
The fact that your blood pressure could possibly be lowered, your depression can be stabilized if not eliminated and the fact that your chances of getting knocked up can be increased all by receiving Reflexology should blow your mind!
Did you know that getting body work done(Swedish massage, acupressure, shiatsu, cranial sacral therapy etc.) is more than just a nice relaxing feel good time? Studies by the Miami Touch Institute show again and again that massage therapy can save people from injuries, unnecessary pain, and help people with mental disorders like depression and anxiety. I don't know about you but I would MUCH rather pay 50 bucks for a 50 minute full body massage than pay 50 bucks to wait in line at the pharmacy for my happy pills.
Did you know that garlic in oil, pill or powder form is stronger than any antibiotic there is on the market? These are the things the doctors don't want you to know! Did you know that some things I'm learning in my Anatomy class, most med students don't even learn?
There is the thing called Somatic Release where clients that are receiving body work have been known to cry, laugh, get angry, anxious or even get flash backs while on the table. We as humans hold most of our tension, stress and negative emotions in our muscles( especially in our butt muscles) and it just sits there and builds and builds and builds until we explode/breakdown/go insane. When people like this go and get a massage, the massage therapists are not only working on these people to help them relax and rejuvenate. They are helping to release these emotions that possible have NEVER been been dealt with.

Guys.These type of "Natural" "Hocus Pocus" procedures and treatments are anything but. This is how medicine and healing all started. Back to the basics.

Tangent over.

oh and.
I need all the massage practice I can get. Call me. Promise I'm not creepy.
I'm not even allowed to charge you.

Timing isn't everything. It's only timing.

Second week of school down. Still no friends. Which is surprisingly odd because I have always been able to make at least one friend. That one friend usually ends up being the doesn't-understand-personal-space/talkative/slightly nerdy one in the bunch. There might be a few of those in my class (I won't confirm or deny this statement) and even with that fact, still, no friends. I can't tell if it's because I'm married or just older. I have noticed that since the day I became Jarman, there has been an invisible stamp on my forehead that says, "don't talk to me, I don't flirt and I don't have a really high pitched fun voice".
Or... maybe it's because I sit in the backseat everyday and don't make eye contact with the others. I actually tried putting myself "out there" for the first time ever. During one of our breaks there was a girl from my class sitting on the curb outside and I went and sat right next to her. I mean RIGHT next to her. There was no question that I was trying to invade her personal space and get her attention. I mentioned that it was starting to rain. You know what she did? Nothing! No pity laugh, not even a side-glance. I mean come one. Weather talk is the easiest type of small talk there is! I'm pretty sure everyone in the universe was staring and me in that second.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I repel future massage therapists.
With that being said, I really don't care that I'm friendless until it's time to "partner up" and then things get weird for me. I walk around aimlessly looking for someone who doesn't look BFF with another student all while trying to look really casual and like I already have a BFF outside of school so you people don't really matter to me. It's exhausting really.
Some how I have managed to get through these last two weeks and have found that I already love everything about Massage Therapy and bodywork. It's quite amazing how humans can be healed just by someone else's' touch. I am learning Reflexology right now and did you know that the entire body is mapped out on the bottom of your foot? It totally is. By working the arch of your foot, you can help alleviate pain your entire spine. It sounds kind of insane but I'm telling you. It works. Go get it done! More than once. Everyday. All day. I love my school.


Come to think of it, I have made one friend. We sit on the back row together. His name is Chase. One time while he was partnered up with a girl for the hands on portion of class, she said, "sorry my legs might not be shaved!" He replied with, "it's OK mine aren't either." How can you not be friends with that?

Trash

If I can't live with the folks on the East Bench,
at least I can buy their crap.
This mirror is pre 1900's.
Easily sold for $200. I paid $20.
The old man said that it was his first wife's mirror and it had been
in her family for millions of years.
He was selling it because his second wife didn't like it.
Gotta please your woman I suppose.
I haven't been so blessed in my garage sailing escapades since last summer
when I met the love of my life, Blue Dresser.

Second find. Mini island. $5. I can chop so many things on this block.
Callin told me the picture wouldn't
be complete without his plumber's tape display.

(Note the creepy, off center rat tail he's working.)
(Note Toben being really cute.)

SALTsa

Big week this week.

Monday-no work.
Tuesday-chips and salsa for dinner
Wednesday-fafsa
Thursday-dentist
Friday-brace face

Yep, for the next 18 months you can call me metal mouth. I'm a bit curious to see if I'll look like a 12 year old married to a pedi 30 year old.
I wonder if I can make it 18 months without smiling. I can definitely cut fake smiles out of the equation. Fake smiles my my soul hurt. I just pray that I won't get the Braces Lip Syndrome. You know where your lips morph into horse lips so they don't get caught on the brackets? Hideous.

Oh and about the fafsa. In August I will be walking the halls of the Utah College of Massage Therapy. You have no idea how excited I am. The biggest response I get when I tell peeps what I'm doing is.."You really want to touch gross hairy backs?!"

Yes. That is exactly why I am paying thousands of dollars. To play with man back hair.

At least I got free crepes

Don't you hate it when you miss a wedding that you're supposed to be a part of?
Oh, that's never happened to you? Well it happened to me. I was a bridesmaid.

Let's flashback to that day. June 19, 2010.

Go to first wedding of the day. Cousin's wedding in Draper in the a.m.
Phone dies around noon.
Leave Draper to make it to Provo Canyon for the ceremony.
Get lost in some Draper neighborhood for a good 10 min.(I really take for granted Provo's grid system)
Make it onto the freeway after 20 minutes of searching.
Drive 55 mph on freeway because of construction and I'm too scared to speed.
Make it to the canyon by 2:20 ish. Should have been there by 1:30.
Assume that the wedding is somewhere up South Fork.
Pull up to what I think is the wedding.
Sit in car to see if I can anyone I recognize.
Drive further up canyon because I didn't see anyone I knew.
Pass Big Springs.
Freak out because I had no idea Big Springs was in Provo this whole time. I swear it took like 30 hours on the bus for 5th grade camp.
Drive all the way to the top until I can't go anymore.
Turn back and drive back to the wedding I saw and get out of car and walk up to the wedding.
Feel awesome because it's obvious that I do not belong there.
Feel like crying because I have NO idea what to do next and I'm sweating in my cute dress.
Gas light turns on.
Go home.
Charge phone and come to find out the ceremony was about a mile away from where I was.
Text bride and tell her what happened.
Bride writes back to tell she isn't mad. She just thought I had been in an accident.
Feel happy.
Go to reception and eat good food and hang out with Steff and Sam.
Happy.

Thank Ye

Thanks Warner and Sam for tearing out that hideous vinyl picket fence in our front yard. And a double thanks to Warner who got tricked into biking 10 miles just to do it.

Oh and an extra double thanks to Sam who got peed on by the previous neighbor's Autumn leaf juice.
Now onto more important things.



This color plus....this old changing table= you'll just have to wait and see.
I can hardly wait.

Big News!!

...you thought I was going to say I was knocked up didn't you? Tricked you. Moving on.

In case you were wondering, here are my top favorite smells.
In no particular order. It's like animals, I can't choose just one.

Pizza Parlors-wait this might be my favorite. .
Gasoline- makes my mouth water.
Lacquer
Nail Polish
Shoe Polish
Boat Exhaust
Nail Salons
Farm Smell/Horse Manure-yea
Plastic-specifically the plastic sticky things that you put on your windows for holidays.
Foam Stickers-remember those puffy stickers?
Yearbooks
The smell of the silver wrapping when you take it off the disposable camera
Chalk Dust

That about sums it up. I almost want to add Skunk to that list but I'm not sure if I really like the smell or if it just makes me miss home. Oh West Provo, you raised me right.

Don't mess with the Zohan

I guess it's about time to start posting housey pictures.
I won't be showing full before and afters until everything is done which we anticipate to be in
January of 2035.
This wall is in the dining room. . I just need about 2,ooo more frames to complete the look.
I'll post the finished product if I remember.

This Petal lamp was done with an Ikea lamp shade and 300 hand-cut pieces of felt.
I now hate felt but I love lamp.

Bye.

Hot Heat

Soooo remember that post where I talked about my sweaty issues? (I'm not going to add a link from that post because I'm not that invested in my blog.) Turns out, that Degree deodorant sucks. It worked for a DAY and then decided it was more fun to let me fend for myself. A few years ago, my cousins, Sam and Steff told me about Ban. I trust their clammy opinions so I tried it. I OWE MY SOCIAL LIFE TO BAN. Yea, it's that good. You don't get that BO smell mixed with baby powder and the best thing is, you don't sweat. Now if only they would invent something for bang sweat, that's the worst.

Now onto cooler stuff. Ty and I just celebrated 3 years of wedded bliss. Forget Anniversary Inn, we attended a home fire safety class... We also got free food at Carrabba's for going. Which probably wasn't the best idea on Carrabba's part because tt's kind of hard to eat when you're hearing depressing stories of faulty fire alarms and asphyxiation. Sometimes free food isn't that worth it. I want to apologize to my sister, bro-in-law, Dave and Tara. I think I may have 4 less friends now.

The Chocolate made it all better. Please go there. And please please get the Kazookie. You will leave a better person.

Oh yeah, after 3 years of hand mixing EVERYTHING, my hand muscles were tired.

Come to Mama.

Who needs college when you have a mind like mine?

Does this ever happen to you?

You see someone in real life that you blog-stalk daily. You possibly went to high school with them but were in different social groups or maybe you know them through a friend. If they saw you, they would more than likely recognize you too.

Through following their blog, you know everything about them. You know what their new house, husband or baby looks like. You know that yesterday, they had a really bad day or how fat they think they are. After a few months of stalking, you feel like you're really getting a sense of this person/people and maybe even want to be their friend in the real world. Or even creepier, you want their husband and your husband to be friends.

So there you are at the store/mall/restaurant, you see them, they see you. You know each other well enough from high school or mutual friend to both say Hi but...uhh then what? You can't exactly start jabbering on about their latest trip to the Ocean because you will probably get maced in the face. But you can't exactly fake not knowing them because that's lying. And chances are they read your blog too and you both know that you read each other's blog. Double crap.

Neither one of you can be the vulnerable one by trying to awkwardly jump start the convo so you just end up standing there for a few seconds before saying, "It was good to see you!" with a big fake, dry mouthed smile and then go home in anticipation for their next post.

Am I too bold to say that blogs might be ruining lives and making our anti-social society even MORE anti-social? Or maybe, I'm just ultra creepy.

Miss Me?

Coco's Guide for the perfect shower.

Rule #1 There is magic in the details. Plastic frozen ice-cube babies are always a hit.
Rule #2 If there is no food for the first hour, it could get awkward. Make sure the food is the FIRST guest.
Rule #3 Never stop texting.
Rule #4 Shoot for that the shabby chic look in your home. Spackled floors and wires shooting out of walls are my personal favorite.
Rule #5 Don't try to bribe little girls for their last sucker. It's just mean.
Rule #6 Make sure to seek out the person of honor and attempt to re-enact a tender moment from a wedding you recently attended.
Rule #7 Refer to Rule #2
Rule #8 Keep the person of honor happy. Sashes and tiaras are a must for any occasion.

There you have it. When it comes to showers of any kind. Go big or go home.

Love you Chels.

GO HERE! Somewherebetweenfateandchance.blogspot.com.. You will see life so different. Good different. DO IT NOW.

Heeeeey. my phone won't let me put my curser in the "text" box. So I will improvise. Before ad after pics of house to come sooner than later

Life Size Barbie

How I get my husband to do Redmond Clay Mud Masks with me?

Wait until he gets back surgery so he can't run away from me even if he wants to.




P.S.
Dear Men,
Life is so much easier when you just submit :)

My Ty

Dear Tyler,

August 2007 around noon, you called me and said that you had been in an accident.

I started panicking but you told me you were fine. I drive to where you are. On the North Bound freeway entrance off Center Street in Provo. I see your Landcruiser completely totalled and being towed away. You were sitting in a Cop car filling out lots of paperwork. I started to calm down when I saw you in one piece. Until you tell me what happened.

You were driving the fast lane of the freeway. Another truck swerved into you and pushed you up against the cement wall. The Landcruiser caught some loose gravel and threw you across all 4 lanes of traffic until you flipped between 4-6 times. You said that you're eyes were wide open the whole time you were flying through the air. I think I remember you saying you even laughed to yourself thinking, "Is this really happening?" The car landed on the hood.
You told me that people pulled over to help you and they said that they figured they were going to be pulling a dead man out of the car. Witnesses said that the truck that hit you, pulled over for a second but decided to drive away instead.
You crawled out of the windshield. You declined the offers to go to the E.R. because you felt fine. Only a few scratches and a lost shoe.

It wasn't until the next day when the adrenalin and shock wore off that you felt the full effects of the previous day.

For the next two years:
Bulging Discs, Nerve Damage, Numbness, Muscle Spasms. Debilitating pain 24/7. Physical Therapy, Cortisone injections, weird back contraptions and lots of Icy/Hot. But nothing worked.


January 6th you had back surgery. A Discectomy and a Fusion. It was an amazing feeling to know how many people were praying for you. I could feel each and every prayer. I have never been so nervous and scared for you but I have also never felt so happy for you. This literal Hell was finally over. When you were wheeled into your room, I will never forget the look on your face. In that moment, I knew what it felt like to be needed and loved. You needed me.
You said you instantly felt relief. No more nerve pain.
I loved being with you those days in the hospital. I loved hanging out with you all day. I loved helping you out of bed, helping you into bed, helping you walk, and sleeping in that horribly uncomfortable chair next you bed and holding your hand.
Now you are home. I love being your crutch when you walk laps around the house. You look so cute when you wander around with your cane.

I am so happy that this chapter of our life is closed. I love seeing the old Tyler. You are back.

I love you.

Resistant Resolution

Only resolution this year.

Get the guy in the kitchen at work to say Hi to me. A year a six months working here and NOT A WORD thrown my way. I even ran into him today to get some kind of reaction.

I almost felt like Patrick Swayze for a minute there.