I have a friend who is struggling with infertility.I hope she is cool with me calling her my friend. We shared a few classes together and Independence High School and that shiz bonds people for life.

She was able to have 3 boys on her own but as of late, her body isn't cooperating.

She and her husband are in the process of adopting and this a letter she wrote to herself.

I immediately thought of someone close to me who is also going through a similar story.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard.

You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok.

Because it's not fair.

Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not.

And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,

sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.

It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you

are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very

own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently.

Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see.

Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts

content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!

Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.

But don't ever feel broken.

The baby loves this possibly more than me

Minute 3:17. Perfection.

Original Scent

We heard babies heartbeat today.
Kind of heavy.

My nurse/midwife sent me to get an ultrasound to make sure the babe was growing OK. You know, MS has been known to eff things up in the past.

She told me that I need to drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound so my bladder would push my uterus closer to the surface.
I was trying really hard to cry and act really sentimental but all I could think about was peeing in my purse.
It didn't help that the tech was smashing the wand thing into my stomach.
Actually, I don't blame her. This sounds like the best joke and best job.
To be there while a couple is sharing a monumental moment and to see these desperate pregnant women trying really hard not to pee the whole time.

Genius job.

December 18th is my due date but only 5% of babies actually come on their due date so I'm not even believing this.
I'll let baby decide.

A lot of my graveyard shifts constist of me viewing dance videos on YouTube. I prefer watching the dances from America's Best Dance Crew. These videos always make me happy and get my pumped up. I don't what it is but, watching these videos always make me feel like I can dance that well. They make it look so seamless.

Every once in a while, I try a few of these moves but I just hurt myself instead.
Then I look around to make sure that the kids in their cells aren't watching me.

just call me Michael Moore

As I learn more and more about child birth and labor, the more it fascinates me. I can't get enough information, can't watch enough documentaries and can't help but talk about it to everyone I come in contact with. It's such a complex and simple thing.

My head is constantly spinning.

This is what I want from you.

I want to know about the experience you had with breastfeeding.

More specifically, I want to hear from the people that had troubles with breastfeeding.

I want to know if you were induced or went into labor.

I want to know if you had a C-section or natural.

I want to know if you had an epidural or pain killer free.

I want to know what the reasons were that it was difficult(milk wouldn't come in, baby wouldn't latch, etc.)

I am doing a mini study in my brain and trying to figure some things out.

After I get the response I'm looking for, I will put it all together and let you in on if my theory is correct.

Help a sista out.

status: happy

I love you all.

Thank you so much for your sharing your experiences and

giving advice.

Prayers are answered and I found a group of certified nurse midwives that accept my insurance plan. They are at New Beginnings in Orem right next to Orem Community Hospital. I will be getting all of my prenatal care through them and they will also be the ones to deliver my babe. I will be delivering in the labor and delivery section of Orem Community and they have back up physicians in case of emergencies.

AND..since I am TRIPLE covered by insurance(I guess I should thank Obama and my mom for that) I anticipate paying very little out of pocket for this event. woo.hoo.

I am the happiest girl.

p.s. Becca, I so wish you lived down here because I would LOVE to have you as my doula.

calling all woah-men

Hope-I want a natural birth. My dream delivery story would be a water birth at home with a midwife.

Problem-my insurance won't cover midwifes, Birthing Centers, etc...

I feel strongly about doing a natural child birth.
I feel strongly about Hypno-birthing.
I also feel strongly about a water birth.

None of these things are covered. If I want any of these things, I will have to pay for them myself.

I know that I have the option of going to the hospital to have my baby and just passing on the epidural but I'm quickly learning that once your in the grips of those nurses and docs, you almost have no say in what happens with your body/birth.
A lot of these "necessary" interventions such as Pitocin, really aren't necessary 95% of the time. It just speeds things up for the hospitals timeline so they can get you in and out asap in order for another woman to take your place.
Hospitals are a business and they're goal is to make money.

Okay, wow...

I need to calm down.

Please watch The Business of Being Born if you want to know exactly what I'm talking about. It's on Netflix. If you want, we can even have a party at my house and watch it together. We can all dress up like babies too.

This is my cry for help.

I know I am still in the early early stages of pregnancy but I want to start planning now.
Most women that I have spoken with have only gone through the "traditional" labor so I don't know a lot about the kind of birth I want and how possible that is in the county of Utah.

If you or anyone you know has done a home birth, water birth, natural birth, Hypno-birthing, used midwives, Doualas, etc., please let me know!

I'm thinking that it might come down to money and that I'll have to just suck it up and use a regular doctor but I still want to know if there are any docs out there who are willing to work around your birth plan and who are willing to listen to what you want.

PLEASE. I'M BEGGING.

Right now I have an appointment with the group of doctors at Utah Valley Obstetrics. Dr. Wolsey, Rees, Gamette, Thorpe, Jacobs, Broeberg, etc.
When I spoke to the nurse on the phone, I got the feeling that she wasn't so keen the idea of natural anything.
Does anyone have experience with these peeps?

I need your help!

something cool

I've never been able to keep a secret. I think that makes me a bad friend.

So this is me not keeping a secret after only knowing it for 24 hours.

I am totally knocked up.

I feel like I'm faking it and someone is going to catch me in my lie any minute.

After 2+ years we FINALLY get one of those cute, tiny humans everyone else has.

After I saw the results of the test, I had to take the instructions out of the box to make sure that a plus sign really means positive.

I went insane for a second.

Then I screamed for Tyler and he pretended he didn't know what a plus sign meant.

Then we would laugh hysterically, stare off into the distance, not talk to each other and say, "what the heck?" for the following 4 hours.

so

I don't answer doors. Especially my own front door. Ideally, I would prefer a call in advance to warn me that someone will be knocking on my door. It's always better for both parties if I get a chance to mentally and emotionally prepare.

Do you invite them in or let them stand on your porch?

It would be the polite thing to let them in but what if they are only planning on staying for a second and they feel bad saying no so they come in and sit down. Then they feel pressure to stay longer and we both end up hating me.

I'll never catch on.

Today I was laying on the couch which is right under the window that faces the front of our house. You can always see who is coming to the door before they knock. I saw a lady walk past the window and then she knocked. I muted the TV and played dead.

But wait, here comes Tyler, crap!

I ran into the room and this is what I witness with my own ears:

(Tyler opens door to a lady selling coupons)

Lady: You look like a guy who loves steak!

Tyler: um...actually we're vegetarians.

Lady:...oh...really?...well these Steers were vegetarians before they were slaughtered!

Tyler: Looks like they had the right idea.

Lady: yea...ok bye!

I am still trying to figure out what she meant by that.

Was that her fantasic selling strategy or was she just grasping at straws at that point?

Weirest person.

Couldn't have said it better

My hands shake as my words slur,

But it’s not what you think.

I trip and I sway,

Though I haven’t had a drink.

I could fall at any moment.

And this never leaves my mind

But I’m trying hard to manage

As I’m on this MS ride.

My legs look normal But feel like rubber.

My arms look strong enough,

But melt like butter.

I have slept for hours,

But my eyes still droop.

I want to walk straight,

But my head loop-de-loops.

You think I’m paying attention,

But my mind has wandered away.

I want to speak clearly,

But I’m stuttering today.

I try to read your email,

But I am seeing double.

I want to come with you,

But walking gives me trouble.

I may need your patience

And your compassion too.

But never your pity

For all I have to do.

I need you to be kind.

And try to understand.

I’m living a new life

Doing the best that I can.

I am making an effort

To be someone who

Is making a difference

In my own life too.

Give me a chance

Be on my side

I am still me

Even with all the drama inside.

My body has changed

But my heart is the same.

I still have a beautiful life

Even when playing the MS game.

The thing I need the most

As you try to understand

Is the comfort and confidence

That I still have my friend

By Tammy Malkowski

goo gee gaa gyyy

My work is having a weight loss challenge. They split us up into teams and we all get a pedometer to count how many steps we take in a month's time. I know my team is going to win because my legs are shorter so I take more steps than anyone at work. It angers me that people still haven't caught on to the fact that I work graveyards. Dear callers/voicemailers/texters I will not be responding to you until I wake up at 2 p.m. Wednesday-Sunday. Make a mental note. Unless my schedule isn't your top priority. Which it's probably not. I can't stop watching Kitchen Nightmares on Fox. I love when Chef Ramsay first gets to the restaurant and samples the food. The servers try to be helpful by suggesting their favorite foods but then he just ends up swearing about how much he hates everything. I love when he remodels the restaurant and makes everyone cry. And like right now, one of the owners just got really mad at a server and shoved him out of the kitchen.

At work we use radios to talk to each other and for eight hours I just think about all the funny things I want to say over them. No one really thinks I'm funny here so I know I would end up just being ignored. All I want to do is play weird songs and make scary noises over the radio. In school today I learned that you have a hormone called Melatonin that is in charge of your Sleep Wake Cycles. It responds mostly to light so if you can't sleep, don't try to watch TV or play on the computer. That just adds more light and your Melatonin will never release into your blood system. So no TV.

duh.