For as long as I can remember I have always associated being blessed with receiving things. Until recently.
It just hit me today that me and Tyler have been blessed by NOT getting what we want.
For the past year, we have been toying with the idea of buying a house. We started looking, planning, and saving(kind of). The market has been so good and it would be such a great time to buy. Along with the hope and excitement of possibly being home owners, came the stress and anxiety. Would we be able to afford everything that goes along with owning? What if one of us loses our job? Do I want to work once I have babies? Will I HAVE to work? Will Tyler mow the lawn? Lots of questions.
I needed to build my credit in order for us to even qualify for a home loan. I applied for a credit card. Got denied because I have no credit. I started to get a little frustrated(apparently it doesn't take much for me to give up).
We stopped house hunting and that's when I realized something.
I don't need a house. I don't need added stress and debt. I am just fine with renting. All we need is somewhere to sleep, eat and make glorious memories. It's even kind of fun to make bets on if our land lord hates more than she did last week.
More rooms and more land won't make us any happier.
After we stopped looking was when I finally felt peace and calm.
It's not the right time and I am so glad that I recognized that.
Not having a home feels good.
For the past eight months we have been trying to get pregnant. Once you have the yearning, it doesn't go away. You feel like there is some piece of you heart missing. You always think that when you're ready for kids it will just happen cause that's what you're made to do. It's really really hard to know that it doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to everyone around me. I can make you feel like there is something wrong with you. It can make you resent and covet and not be happy for those around you who have kids. Those are ugly feelings that I hate having. It really tries your faith and your willingness to submit to the will of the Lord. Somethings cannot be controlled by me. Every so often something happens that makes me realize we are blessed to not have a baby right now. Through this struggle I have come to want children for such different reasons than I did inititally. Which I know was supposed to happen. I have such a different outlook on motherhood all together. I know that we will be able to have children someday. When it's right for US.
It's so strange to think that there is someone that knows our situation even better than we do. But it's true. I didn't learn this until I was forced to learn it. I am so glad I know it now.
I love the church so much I could cry right now! But I won't. Cause I'm at work.
7 comments:
fine then I'm going to cry for you and I'm at work too. love it sis...your going into such a big girl :)
also, I think you've gotten smarter since you started looking like me...hmmmm
Tyler would NOT have mowed the lawn, good call.
We found out last year that we could not have babies.. And I know its really hard but just enjoy the time you have together! And then when you least expect it, it will happen! Buying a house is so stressful I actually think renting is better:)
COURTNEY!
Hello. I found your blog... Somehow. I don't remember?? All that stalking, and ya know, I just don't remember.
Darn shame.
Anyway, I found you, and I adore you!!! Remember when we were (pretend) best friends at IHS? I know you have missed me dearly, and wonder where I am today---every day. Well, worry no more.
Anyway, I wanted you to know I found you. Oh, and that I have had 5 miscarriages--it took us two years to get pregnant with our first. Ya know, the usual.
Ya, I want to buy a house really badly....bcse we want a yard, a garage, equity, etc, etc...but we have a really sweet deal right now where we get a yard (and not the rest, but that's okay).
I am glad for your candidness about the baby subject. I have a cousin (on the other side) who is so bitter that she won't even talk to me anymore bcse I am pregnant before she could be and it's awkward. She doesn't open up in the same way that you do and at least your up front about it. I like that.
Jeremy has talked about buying a house off and on forEVER! I always get scared of the pressure of owning a house, but i am starting to think I could handle it soon. (soon meaning within the next 2 years, maybe)
I totally feel for you with the pregnancy thing. It wasn't until I had problems with staying pregnant that I found out that a LOT of women have problems with becoming/staying pregnant. It took us over two years and 2 miscarriages (3 including the one that we think was a miscarriage, but wasn't confirmed by a doctor) to finally have Talmage. It was REALLY hard for both Jeremy and I. I could talk about how it will be worth it when it happens and enjoy the time you have together right now, but I think you already know all that. I just want to let you know that my heart goes out to you b/c I understand how you feel. I am so sorry. You are amazing!!
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