Post Op

It's been over a month since I got the procedure for my CCSVI done and
man am I feelin' GOOD!

Let us begin with Dick. He was my personal male nurse/comedian. He is a fantastic man. He swore a lot and made really funny jokes. He also made me bleed like a gallon of blood when he was putting my IV in and I didn't even pass out. The best part is that he gave me a $25 gift card to the University Mall. What would I have done without Dick?... The nurse. perv.

The best part of the whole day is that I was surrounded by men. From the waiting room to the procedure room. There were like 5 men in the room with me. It was raining men.
HALLELUJAH.
Once the operating room, one of the pretties asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to during the procedure. I was too flustered to give a straight answer so he picked Jack Johnson for me.

I didn't get completely knocked out because Dr. Hatch still needed me to be slightly coherent. To get to my Assuages vein, they had to go in through my femoral vein. The vein that's RIGHT in the crease of your groin. So I was totally Full Monty for all the boys.
Yea.
The last thing I really remember was looking to my left and seeing six monitors and my skeleton. I could turn my head from side to side and see it moving on the monitors. It was cool.

Turns out that the vein they thought was blocked, was totally clear. It turned out to be my Assuages vein that was the issue. That's the vein that all of the veins around your ribs flow into. It was at least 60% blocked.

Because they ballooned my vein, I had to be on blood thinners for three weeks so a blood clot wouldn't form. Shots. In my stomach. Everyday. Passing out everyday gets old really fast.

I really feel like the CCSVI has helped my symptoms. I can drive, walk straight and watch TV without throwing up. I also started these supplements by DoTerra that have saved my life. I think the B12 and fish oil have helped the most. They have saved me during my graveyard shifts. The B12 keeps me peppy even when 4am rolls around.

Guys, I really feel fab.
It's like I don't even have MS.
I continue to do my yoga toga at 3b Studio in Riverwoods and I can do some pretty sweet balance poses. Dean says my body is built for yoga. We love Dean. And I'm allowed to brag because this is really the only thing I've ever been good at. Just ask my mom.

Yoga! Toga! Toga!

(I can really do this!)

Healthy people feel bad for sick people.
This fact is coming in handy for me.
I've had more free lunches in the past 3 months than I've had in my 24 years of living.
I am also getting free yoga and swimming classes.
There is a lovely man named Dean who teaches yoga at 3b down in River Woods who finds us sickies and attempts to teach us yoga. We don't have the best balance in the world so it can get really funny at times.
Dean is an angel in yoga pants.
He does this stuff for free!
He takes time out of his day to do this for FREE.
I am so very grateful for his huge heart.
I'm guessing after you do yoga for a while, you adopt this very calm and contemplative demeanor because that is what he has and all of his yogi interns.

I hate it.

I can be loud and spastic at times and he.. isn't. He's just calm. All the time.
I pray that someday I won't always be yelling and laughing.
I love yoga. Dean says I'm a natural. I would believe anything he told me.
During our first session at his house, he asked me if I had ever been a dancer or a gymnast. I told him I was just a wannabe. He didn't laugh but Ty did. That's why I take him with me places. He's my fail safe.

I can also do this...
..and this..
..and this.
Just kidding.


So swimming. Brittany is the girl who teaches me. She went to BYU and graduated with an English degree and then she was going to apply for law school but decided to go to yoga school instead. She is opening up her own studio on Center Street in Provo right above that Karate School.
To get a good visual of how well I did my first day, imagine someone drowning. That's what I looked like the whole time. Instead of turning my head to the side to take a breath in between strokes, I just swallowed water. I'm done talking about this.

I love selfless people and I love yoga. These two things bring hope back to humanity. For real.

CCSVI

Chronic cerebro-spinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI) is a term used to describe compromised flow of blood in the veins draining the central nervous system. It has been hypothesized to play a role in the cause of multiple sclerosis (MS). This hypothesis was first put forth by Paolo Zamboni in 2008. An endovascular intervention for the syndrome has been attempted however further research is required to determine if the benefits outweigh the risks of the procedure.

In a nutshell. People that have MS are more likely to have veins that are collapsed or restricted and once they get the venogram, their symptoms go away almost immediately. The interventional radiologist goes in through the femoral vein and looks for those sad veins that need to be happy again. Once they find one, they put a little balloon in the vein and blows it back up. Creepy huh?

This is a new procedure that folks with MS are volunteering to undergo. I have only heard good things about it and I talked to Dr. Vincent about it and she was all for letting me take a shot at it. She ordered the venogram for me and we got it scheduled for today. A week or so ago I got an ultra sound on my jugular veins because they suspected that this is where I might have some restricted veins. The results came back that I did have a little abnormality in some veins so I was a good candidate for the CCSVI procedure.

My procedure was scheduled for 12:30 p.m. At 10:30 a.m., someone called me from the hospital and said that since I hadn't seen Dr. Hatch yet; there was no way that this procedure could take place. The lady I spoke to said she didn't know how I had gotten onto the schedule for today but I was going to have to reschedule.

I was so ready to be done feeling this way. So ready to be done feeling nauseous after looking at the computer. So done not being able to watch TV. So done not being able to drive and SOOO done not being able to walk without looking like a drunkard. I was crushed. I cried all of my make-up off and put my sweats back on.

I called my mom and told her what happened. She was all over the situation(she works in the radiology department so she has the inside scoop). She got on the phone with Dr. Hatch and basically ripped him a new one. If I was brave enough, I would have done this myself. He said that the hospital caught up with him and said that he hadn't turned in the correct paper work for me. blah blah blah. He apologized a billion times and said there was nothing he could do.

So for now, the earliest I can get in for the pre-venogram is on January 7th to make sure I am even a candidate(happy birthday Chels!). After that, who knows how soon I can get in for the real venogram?

I'm pissed, sad, and tired.

It's so important not to stress too much because stress makes my symptoms worse but that is almost impossible today.

Faith, not fear.

Weaknesses of the Flesh

You know how some blogs are somewhat interesting until the girl has a baby and then the blog turns into a look-how-cute-and-smart-my-baby-is-blog?
I don't have a baby but I do have MS.
This blog in now officially my "Let's talk about how NOT cute my MS is blog."
Have you ever been intoxicated in anyway with either alcohol or pills? If so, you'll know what I'm talking about.
The dizziness that lives with me every single day is like being drunk 24/7.
I can see the images in front of me but I can't, for the life of me, focus on just one object.
It's like my eyes just constantly jump around all day.
Watching TV,texting, reading and being on the computer make this dizziness substantially worse.
Which makes life really suck.
Now moving onto my balance. I have none.
I tend to lean towards the right as I walk down the halls and isles which makes me look like a wino.

I am fatigued after showering and crying really knocks me out.

Before November 4th, I really thought I could call myself a strong person who could handle almost anything. Just in the past 3 years I have dealt with 2 years of disabling back pain, 1 back surgery, 1 possible second back surgery, infertility, loss of jobs, and depression.

Over coming some of these things, you would think I would be a strong person right?

I can 100 percent, wholeheartedly say that I am NOT as strong as I thought.

My days consist of waking up, crying, yelling at Tyler out of frustration and fear, sleeping.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I just can't figure out how to NOT less this take over my life.
I am so disgustingly sick of talking about it but I know some people
like to know about it and about how I'm feeling so I don't want to deny them a chance
to learn more about MS.
I have become a thousand times more emotional than I was before if that's possible.

I had an amazing epiphany during sacrament meeting last week as we were singing the sacrament hymn.

Jesus knows what it feels like to have MS.
He knows how it feels to be too tired to smile and say that everything is going to be okay.
Because the truth is that I have no idea if things are going to be okay.
But I know someone who knows how I feel and that in itself is so comforting.

During fast and testimony meeting today someone said that fear and faith cannot exist in the same space.
I know that I need faith but it's so much easier said than done when you're in the middle of feeling like a 24 year old stuck inside an 80 year old's body.
It's easy to have faith when you feel healthy and strong.
I am working on this faith thing.
There is so much more happiness in faith.
I know that.
I need to be happy again. My husband needs me to be happy again.
My mom and sister need their hilarious daughter and sister back.

Among other things, maybe this trial was given to me to force me to truly understand what faith means.

I see my neurologist this week to see about medications and other treatments. Her name is Pamela Vincent and I know that she is my girl. There have been too many signs leading me to her that I can't deny.
She recommends yoga to her patients for goodness sake!

Right up my granola ally.

Thank You

I was kind of thrown off by the rap but that
didn't stop me from crying like an 8 pound baby.

November 4

I write this with blurry vision so don't mind my typos and many other errors. This needs to be documented and really, who writes in journals these days? It just makes your hand hurt.
November 4th began on October 24th. The day after my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. I woke up and noticed that my right foot was a little numb. I didn't think much of it and I definitely did not tell Tyler. I hate attention when it comes to my health.
Two days later during school, I scratched the right side of my head was also numb. With further inspection, I felt(or didn't feel) that the numbness had taken over my entire right side. I asked my wonderful massage variations teacher, Kathy Thomas what it could mean. She thought for a while and couldn't think of a reasonable explanation for my symptoms but suggested that I go see a doctor.
At this point, I didn't think much of seeing a doc since I had no other real symptoms until i woke up the next morning.
I got out of bed to get ready for work and noticed that I was having difficulty catching my balance. Again, I didn't think anything of it. Weird things happen to me all the time so I wasn't too worried.
The dizziness hit me while I was a work. This type of dizziness is like when you turn your head to look at the something or someone and it take a few second for your brain to catch up to the image which make nausea a perfect companion. All I could do was keep my eyes closed and my head on my desk. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes could not just stayed focused on one thing. After two days of this, Tyler decided it was time to see my doctor.
The doc started all sorts of tests to rule out Bell's Palsy, stroke and who knows what else. After all those came back negative, he threw his hands up and admitted defeat(mostly for my sake because I believe he knew the whole time). He ordered me to go the hospital ASAP for a CT scan for further testing. Ty and I get there with my mom following just minutes behind.
One preg test and one CT scan later.Both test came back negative. I have gotten used to many a pregnancy test coming back negative but when someone else tells you, it's a new level of hurt.

Now onto blood work. Same story. Everything comes back dandy.

Thursday, November 4th.
I always wanted to know what it would be like to go into that big tube like machine.
It was actually quite relaxing. Fell asleep a few times even.
Waiting was the hardest part. Around 1 ish my mom texts me to tell me that the radiologist sees, "fog and dust" on my brain scan.
Me thinking it's a joke saying that I have no brain, I laugh it off.
A while later my mom encourages me to call my doctor to have him read the report to me.
I believe at this point she already knew.
I call him and leave a message. Waiting. Waiting. More waiting.
At 5:20 p.m. he calls me.
I have MS.
I can't stop the river of tears down my face. Tyler still doesn't know but he is crying just like me.
Once I get off the phone he just holds me and we cry and cry.
My mom showed up 2 minutes after I get the news.
She sees me and I ask her if she already knows and I can see her heart break.
She hugs me and we cry.

The only real interaction I've had with someone with MS, they were in their mid 20's and in a wheel chair.

Was that going to be me? What about work? What about school? How am I supposed to give body work to my clients when I can't even stand on my own?
What about all the babies I want to have?
Will they resent me for being a sick mom?
How am I supposed to take care of Tyler and his back pain?
Am I going to miss out on the holidays and time with my family?

In that moment, I felt myself age by 30 years.

I feel so betrayed by my body. I really though that being a vegetarian would excempt me from gettting sick. I have always been known as the girl who doesn't get sick. The girl who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I had endless energy.

That is ALL gone. Within two weeks my life has changed forever.

The next day I am ordered to get a spinal tap to confirm or deny the MS diagnosis.
After two hours of waiting it's finally my turn. I was asked to lay flat on my stomach while they put the big needle between my lumbar vertebrae. A spinal tap is literally like tapping a tree. You just sit there and wait for the spinal fluid to drip into the vial. The nurse said that it usually takes between 15 minutes to over an hour.

I only took 2 minutes-tender mercy?

That night my immediate and extended family had the opportunity to stay the weekend at my sister's mission president's cabin. It was one of the best times I've had with my family. My dad gave me the most beautiful and comforting blessing. So many worries and questions were answered. Questions that I had only expressed in my heart.

Come Monday morning my doctor calls me about the spinal tap results.
I have been officially diagnosed with MS. It came as no surprise to me. I don't cry much about it anymore either because I am out of tears or because I feel sustained from everyone that loves me.

Heavenly Father loves me. He knows how I am feeling. He knows I'm scared. He loves me and will comfort me through every treatment, every test and every breakdown. This is the only thing that I KNOW to be true.


TODAY I am grateful that while I stood in the shower holding onto the ledge, Tyler washed my hair and shaved my armpits for me.
TODAY I am grateful that I don't throw up after every car ride.
TODAY I am grateful that my mom, Meagan and Chase came over and cleaned.
These things are love in it's most raw, selfless form.

pass the homemade granola

Free chandelier from MIL.

Paint $5
Thank you.
Craigslist hutch.

Painted Ivory and modge podged scrapbook paper to the back.
Sanded until the bottom white and red layers showed through.

Onto more important things....

Why is it that we know more about Paris Hilton's dog than we do about how our own bodies work? And how doesn't everyone know that human touch is the medicine for practically everything?
I feel myself become more and more granola and hippie by the day.
The fact that your blood pressure could possibly be lowered, your depression can be stabilized if not eliminated and the fact that your chances of getting knocked up can be increased all by receiving Reflexology should blow your mind!
Did you know that getting body work done(Swedish massage, acupressure, shiatsu, cranial sacral therapy etc.) is more than just a nice relaxing feel good time? Studies by the Miami Touch Institute show again and again that massage therapy can save people from injuries, unnecessary pain, and help people with mental disorders like depression and anxiety. I don't know about you but I would MUCH rather pay 50 bucks for a 50 minute full body massage than pay 50 bucks to wait in line at the pharmacy for my happy pills.
Did you know that garlic in oil, pill or powder form is stronger than any antibiotic there is on the market? These are the things the doctors don't want you to know! Did you know that some things I'm learning in my Anatomy class, most med students don't even learn?
There is the thing called Somatic Release where clients that are receiving body work have been known to cry, laugh, get angry, anxious or even get flash backs while on the table. We as humans hold most of our tension, stress and negative emotions in our muscles( especially in our butt muscles) and it just sits there and builds and builds and builds until we explode/breakdown/go insane. When people like this go and get a massage, the massage therapists are not only working on these people to help them relax and rejuvenate. They are helping to release these emotions that possible have NEVER been been dealt with.

Guys.These type of "Natural" "Hocus Pocus" procedures and treatments are anything but. This is how medicine and healing all started. Back to the basics.

Tangent over.

oh and.
I need all the massage practice I can get. Call me. Promise I'm not creepy.
I'm not even allowed to charge you.

Timing isn't everything. It's only timing.

Second week of school down. Still no friends. Which is surprisingly odd because I have always been able to make at least one friend. That one friend usually ends up being the doesn't-understand-personal-space/talkative/slightly nerdy one in the bunch. There might be a few of those in my class (I won't confirm or deny this statement) and even with that fact, still, no friends. I can't tell if it's because I'm married or just older. I have noticed that since the day I became Jarman, there has been an invisible stamp on my forehead that says, "don't talk to me, I don't flirt and I don't have a really high pitched fun voice".
Or... maybe it's because I sit in the backseat everyday and don't make eye contact with the others. I actually tried putting myself "out there" for the first time ever. During one of our breaks there was a girl from my class sitting on the curb outside and I went and sat right next to her. I mean RIGHT next to her. There was no question that I was trying to invade her personal space and get her attention. I mentioned that it was starting to rain. You know what she did? Nothing! No pity laugh, not even a side-glance. I mean come one. Weather talk is the easiest type of small talk there is! I'm pretty sure everyone in the universe was staring and me in that second.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I repel future massage therapists.
With that being said, I really don't care that I'm friendless until it's time to "partner up" and then things get weird for me. I walk around aimlessly looking for someone who doesn't look BFF with another student all while trying to look really casual and like I already have a BFF outside of school so you people don't really matter to me. It's exhausting really.
Some how I have managed to get through these last two weeks and have found that I already love everything about Massage Therapy and bodywork. It's quite amazing how humans can be healed just by someone else's' touch. I am learning Reflexology right now and did you know that the entire body is mapped out on the bottom of your foot? It totally is. By working the arch of your foot, you can help alleviate pain your entire spine. It sounds kind of insane but I'm telling you. It works. Go get it done! More than once. Everyday. All day. I love my school.


Come to think of it, I have made one friend. We sit on the back row together. His name is Chase. One time while he was partnered up with a girl for the hands on portion of class, she said, "sorry my legs might not be shaved!" He replied with, "it's OK mine aren't either." How can you not be friends with that?

Trash

If I can't live with the folks on the East Bench,
at least I can buy their crap.
This mirror is pre 1900's.
Easily sold for $200. I paid $20.
The old man said that it was his first wife's mirror and it had been
in her family for millions of years.
He was selling it because his second wife didn't like it.
Gotta please your woman I suppose.
I haven't been so blessed in my garage sailing escapades since last summer
when I met the love of my life, Blue Dresser.

Second find. Mini island. $5. I can chop so many things on this block.
Callin told me the picture wouldn't
be complete without his plumber's tape display.

(Note the creepy, off center rat tail he's working.)
(Note Toben being really cute.)

SALTsa

Big week this week.

Monday-no work.
Tuesday-chips and salsa for dinner
Wednesday-fafsa
Thursday-dentist
Friday-brace face

Yep, for the next 18 months you can call me metal mouth. I'm a bit curious to see if I'll look like a 12 year old married to a pedi 30 year old.
I wonder if I can make it 18 months without smiling. I can definitely cut fake smiles out of the equation. Fake smiles my my soul hurt. I just pray that I won't get the Braces Lip Syndrome. You know where your lips morph into horse lips so they don't get caught on the brackets? Hideous.

Oh and about the fafsa. In August I will be walking the halls of the Utah College of Massage Therapy. You have no idea how excited I am. The biggest response I get when I tell peeps what I'm doing is.."You really want to touch gross hairy backs?!"

Yes. That is exactly why I am paying thousands of dollars. To play with man back hair.