how to strengthen your marriage

This weekend we had people over for dinner. Right before they got to our house, we got in a fight. I think it had to do with me thinking Tyler didn't do the dishes enough or something. When our guests arrived, we were still fuming. At our dinner table we have 4 chairs. One of the chairs has a broken leg. I decided to be a good host and let our friends use the functional chairs and I took the lame chair. I sat down to eat and forgot about the tripod chair. The chair buckled under my clumsy weight and I slipped halfway under the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler watching the whole scene play out. He was the only one who noticed and he tried really hard not to laugh. Fight over. If only there were more 3 legged chairs in my life.

walking can be fun

Hey.

If you're Coocoo for Coco, register to be on my team for the MS Walk fundraiser on April 30th in SLC. You can donate money that goes towards research and finding a cure for this nasty disease but if you don't donate, please come walk with me(I would probably love that more anyway). It's free.

I am sososososososo excited for this walk. I start bawling just thinking about all of the love and support I have already felt from everyone that I know. Seeing that sea of Orange in Salt Lake is seriously going to be the kicker. Freakin bawl baby.

The next segment I write is more for my records than anything. I have touched on some of these points in an earlier post but I need to remember every detail. I realize I can write it in a journal but writing makes my hand hurt.

The day that I got my spinal tap was also the day that my family, my uncle's fam and my grandparents had planned to go up to my sister's mission president's cabin. I was told that there was a good chance that I wouldn't feel good enough to do anything for 24 hours after the procedure but you know me, when someone tells me No, I say eff that.

Ty and I rode up with Meg and Callin. I got the front seat. You automatically get whatever you want when you get spinal taps. I started to get ridiculously dizzy and nauseated so that sucked.
Next day. Went shopping in Park City. Felt kind of crappy but I made it through. Even managed to buy some things in between dizzy spells. Go me.

Enter best friend. Mykenzie Hydo. We went to all years of school together and hardly interacted until about a year ago when she said she had a strange prompting to get in contact with me. Who wouldn't want a best friend like that? At this point, she didn't know about my diagnosis and she happened to call me while I was shopping. She asked me how things were going so I told her. Then the most amazing thing happened.

Mykenzie: Courtney, remember how we're best friends?
Me: yea
Myk: remember how we are meant to be in each other's lives?
Me: yea..
Myk: did you forget that my internship is at the National MS Society of Utah?...
Me: *bawling* (I completely forgot that she had told me this months before I got sick)
She is my lifeline when it comes to the latest news and treatments. I do love her.

back to the cabin weekend...

that night I felt really horrible so we all hung out on our bed (ty and I got the master bedroom, thank you spinal tap) and watched Across the Universe.

I also got the chance to get an amazing blessing from my dad. In the blessing he told me that I would live to see my children grow up. The fact that I wouldn't, was one of my biggest, unspoken fears. In that moment, I felt completely uplifted.
Afterwards, we all sat around the fireplace, talked, cried, laughed a lot, sang and I savored every second of it.

Sunday was THE hell of my hell month. I woke up and tried lifting my head off my pillow. Just that small action made me feel like I was being spun in an office chair at full speed. I really wish I could describe how horrible this feeling was just trying to sit up. It took at least 10 tries. Even the slightest movement sent me into dizzy spell after dizzy spell. With my amazingly patient husband's help, I got into the shower.

I stood there in the shower with my eyes closed, pride swallowed and heart full. My love and respect for him reached an entirely new level when he stood there with me and washed my back.

With my balance being off, If I wanted to walk anywhere in the cabin, I needed someone to be there to keep me upright. Otherwise, I would run myself right into the wall, floor, table, railing, etc.
After breakfast, we got me into the truck and drove home. Once we got home, I couldn't walk myself into the house so my dad carried me in and put me on the couch. Once I was settled down, the car ride caught up to me and I threw up my breakfast. Awesome.

Everyone went home and the night just got worse. After a few hours of hellish hell, we decided a trip to the ER would possibly help. For some reason, which I can't remember now, we couldn't take our car so we called my bro and sis-in-law, Ali and Warner to pick us up. They were so amazing and didn't laugh when they saw me wearing Ty's giant flannel shirt and my giant grey sweat pants. We got to the ER and of course once I sit down, I violently throw up which makes everyone in the room scatter away from us. Super.
Ali and Warner stayed and kept us company for a good two hours.
Again, a new level of love.
We finally got a room and after the wheelchair ride back, you guessed it, upchuck time.
My mother-in-law, Lydia came and stayed with us until 2 a.m.
Love level.
I got an IV of something that was supposed to help with the dizziness and nausea. I can't remember if it worked though...maybe that means it did?

She took us home and we slept for a long time.

to the beat ya'll

My heart grows when I discover new music.
Justin Nozuka
Ron Pope
The Xx
Yeah Yeah Yeahs-I knew who they were but I am just now fully appreciating them
Florence + the Machine-the love has been going strong for a while

I also rekindled my love for R&B in the recent weeks.

112, Brian McKnight, Dru Hill, Monica, En Vogue, Jagged Edge, Tyrese, Ashanti, Jon B., Baby Face, Boyz II Men, SWV, TLC, Ginuwine, Black Street, LL Cool J, etc etc etc. Oh I could just go on and ON.

I never could resist a boy with a great "Slow Jamz" CD.
Not that there were a lot of boys, maybe 2 or 3...I'll just stop there.
These days, all a boy has to do is swear at a girl or NOT pay for dinner and he gets lucky.
Talk about LAAAZY!

Pearl, at work, tells me that she's never met a white girl who loves R&B as much as I do. She told me that I'm black on the inside. I'll accept that.

The song that I can't get enough of lately is a Tears for Fears song called Mad World. I love the Donnie Darko version the best. Dean plays this song during yoga. There is something magical about crazy contortionists mixed with creepy songs. I die happy every time.

I'm hating Lady Gaga lately. Basically, if you're clinically insane with daddy issues, you can call yourself a "creative artist" and Hollywood is all over it. Have you read the Hunger Games? Hollywood reminds me of the nut jobs in the Capitol.
I couldn't care less about the Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, Emmys, etc.
Would you waste two hours of your day watching all the rich, popular kids talk about how cool they are?
No, you wouldn't.
So why do you?

Post Op

It's been over a month since I got the procedure for my CCSVI done and
man am I feelin' GOOD!

Let us begin with Dick. He was my personal male nurse/comedian. He is a fantastic man. He swore a lot and made really funny jokes. He also made me bleed like a gallon of blood when he was putting my IV in and I didn't even pass out. The best part is that he gave me a $25 gift card to the University Mall. What would I have done without Dick?... The nurse. perv.

The best part of the whole day is that I was surrounded by men. From the waiting room to the procedure room. There were like 5 men in the room with me. It was raining men.
HALLELUJAH.
Once the operating room, one of the pretties asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to during the procedure. I was too flustered to give a straight answer so he picked Jack Johnson for me.

I didn't get completely knocked out because Dr. Hatch still needed me to be slightly coherent. To get to my Assuages vein, they had to go in through my femoral vein. The vein that's RIGHT in the crease of your groin. So I was totally Full Monty for all the boys.
Yea.
The last thing I really remember was looking to my left and seeing six monitors and my skeleton. I could turn my head from side to side and see it moving on the monitors. It was cool.

Turns out that the vein they thought was blocked, was totally clear. It turned out to be my Assuages vein that was the issue. That's the vein that all of the veins around your ribs flow into. It was at least 60% blocked.

Because they ballooned my vein, I had to be on blood thinners for three weeks so a blood clot wouldn't form. Shots. In my stomach. Everyday. Passing out everyday gets old really fast.

I really feel like the CCSVI has helped my symptoms. I can drive, walk straight and watch TV without throwing up. I also started these supplements by DoTerra that have saved my life. I think the B12 and fish oil have helped the most. They have saved me during my graveyard shifts. The B12 keeps me peppy even when 4am rolls around.

Guys, I really feel fab.
It's like I don't even have MS.
I continue to do my yoga toga at 3b Studio in Riverwoods and I can do some pretty sweet balance poses. Dean says my body is built for yoga. We love Dean. And I'm allowed to brag because this is really the only thing I've ever been good at. Just ask my mom.

Yoga! Toga! Toga!

(I can really do this!)

Healthy people feel bad for sick people.
This fact is coming in handy for me.
I've had more free lunches in the past 3 months than I've had in my 24 years of living.
I am also getting free yoga and swimming classes.
There is a lovely man named Dean who teaches yoga at 3b down in River Woods who finds us sickies and attempts to teach us yoga. We don't have the best balance in the world so it can get really funny at times.
Dean is an angel in yoga pants.
He does this stuff for free!
He takes time out of his day to do this for FREE.
I am so very grateful for his huge heart.
I'm guessing after you do yoga for a while, you adopt this very calm and contemplative demeanor because that is what he has and all of his yogi interns.

I hate it.

I can be loud and spastic at times and he.. isn't. He's just calm. All the time.
I pray that someday I won't always be yelling and laughing.
I love yoga. Dean says I'm a natural. I would believe anything he told me.
During our first session at his house, he asked me if I had ever been a dancer or a gymnast. I told him I was just a wannabe. He didn't laugh but Ty did. That's why I take him with me places. He's my fail safe.

I can also do this...
..and this..
..and this.
Just kidding.


So swimming. Brittany is the girl who teaches me. She went to BYU and graduated with an English degree and then she was going to apply for law school but decided to go to yoga school instead. She is opening up her own studio on Center Street in Provo right above that Karate School.
To get a good visual of how well I did my first day, imagine someone drowning. That's what I looked like the whole time. Instead of turning my head to the side to take a breath in between strokes, I just swallowed water. I'm done talking about this.

I love selfless people and I love yoga. These two things bring hope back to humanity. For real.

CCSVI

Chronic cerebro-spinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI) is a term used to describe compromised flow of blood in the veins draining the central nervous system. It has been hypothesized to play a role in the cause of multiple sclerosis (MS). This hypothesis was first put forth by Paolo Zamboni in 2008. An endovascular intervention for the syndrome has been attempted however further research is required to determine if the benefits outweigh the risks of the procedure.

In a nutshell. People that have MS are more likely to have veins that are collapsed or restricted and once they get the venogram, their symptoms go away almost immediately. The interventional radiologist goes in through the femoral vein and looks for those sad veins that need to be happy again. Once they find one, they put a little balloon in the vein and blows it back up. Creepy huh?

This is a new procedure that folks with MS are volunteering to undergo. I have only heard good things about it and I talked to Dr. Vincent about it and she was all for letting me take a shot at it. She ordered the venogram for me and we got it scheduled for today. A week or so ago I got an ultra sound on my jugular veins because they suspected that this is where I might have some restricted veins. The results came back that I did have a little abnormality in some veins so I was a good candidate for the CCSVI procedure.

My procedure was scheduled for 12:30 p.m. At 10:30 a.m., someone called me from the hospital and said that since I hadn't seen Dr. Hatch yet; there was no way that this procedure could take place. The lady I spoke to said she didn't know how I had gotten onto the schedule for today but I was going to have to reschedule.

I was so ready to be done feeling this way. So ready to be done feeling nauseous after looking at the computer. So done not being able to watch TV. So done not being able to drive and SOOO done not being able to walk without looking like a drunkard. I was crushed. I cried all of my make-up off and put my sweats back on.

I called my mom and told her what happened. She was all over the situation(she works in the radiology department so she has the inside scoop). She got on the phone with Dr. Hatch and basically ripped him a new one. If I was brave enough, I would have done this myself. He said that the hospital caught up with him and said that he hadn't turned in the correct paper work for me. blah blah blah. He apologized a billion times and said there was nothing he could do.

So for now, the earliest I can get in for the pre-venogram is on January 7th to make sure I am even a candidate(happy birthday Chels!). After that, who knows how soon I can get in for the real venogram?

I'm pissed, sad, and tired.

It's so important not to stress too much because stress makes my symptoms worse but that is almost impossible today.

Faith, not fear.

Weaknesses of the Flesh

You know how some blogs are somewhat interesting until the girl has a baby and then the blog turns into a look-how-cute-and-smart-my-baby-is-blog?
I don't have a baby but I do have MS.
This blog in now officially my "Let's talk about how NOT cute my MS is blog."
Have you ever been intoxicated in anyway with either alcohol or pills? If so, you'll know what I'm talking about.
The dizziness that lives with me every single day is like being drunk 24/7.
I can see the images in front of me but I can't, for the life of me, focus on just one object.
It's like my eyes just constantly jump around all day.
Watching TV,texting, reading and being on the computer make this dizziness substantially worse.
Which makes life really suck.
Now moving onto my balance. I have none.
I tend to lean towards the right as I walk down the halls and isles which makes me look like a wino.

I am fatigued after showering and crying really knocks me out.

Before November 4th, I really thought I could call myself a strong person who could handle almost anything. Just in the past 3 years I have dealt with 2 years of disabling back pain, 1 back surgery, 1 possible second back surgery, infertility, loss of jobs, and depression.

Over coming some of these things, you would think I would be a strong person right?

I can 100 percent, wholeheartedly say that I am NOT as strong as I thought.

My days consist of waking up, crying, yelling at Tyler out of frustration and fear, sleeping.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I just can't figure out how to NOT less this take over my life.
I am so disgustingly sick of talking about it but I know some people
like to know about it and about how I'm feeling so I don't want to deny them a chance
to learn more about MS.
I have become a thousand times more emotional than I was before if that's possible.

I had an amazing epiphany during sacrament meeting last week as we were singing the sacrament hymn.

Jesus knows what it feels like to have MS.
He knows how it feels to be too tired to smile and say that everything is going to be okay.
Because the truth is that I have no idea if things are going to be okay.
But I know someone who knows how I feel and that in itself is so comforting.

During fast and testimony meeting today someone said that fear and faith cannot exist in the same space.
I know that I need faith but it's so much easier said than done when you're in the middle of feeling like a 24 year old stuck inside an 80 year old's body.
It's easy to have faith when you feel healthy and strong.
I am working on this faith thing.
There is so much more happiness in faith.
I know that.
I need to be happy again. My husband needs me to be happy again.
My mom and sister need their hilarious daughter and sister back.

Among other things, maybe this trial was given to me to force me to truly understand what faith means.

I see my neurologist this week to see about medications and other treatments. Her name is Pamela Vincent and I know that she is my girl. There have been too many signs leading me to her that I can't deny.
She recommends yoga to her patients for goodness sake!

Right up my granola ally.

Thank You

I was kind of thrown off by the rap but that
didn't stop me from crying like an 8 pound baby.

November 4

I write this with blurry vision so don't mind my typos and many other errors. This needs to be documented and really, who writes in journals these days? It just makes your hand hurt.
November 4th began on October 24th. The day after my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. I woke up and noticed that my right foot was a little numb. I didn't think much of it and I definitely did not tell Tyler. I hate attention when it comes to my health.
Two days later during school, I scratched the right side of my head was also numb. With further inspection, I felt(or didn't feel) that the numbness had taken over my entire right side. I asked my wonderful massage variations teacher, Kathy Thomas what it could mean. She thought for a while and couldn't think of a reasonable explanation for my symptoms but suggested that I go see a doctor.
At this point, I didn't think much of seeing a doc since I had no other real symptoms until i woke up the next morning.
I got out of bed to get ready for work and noticed that I was having difficulty catching my balance. Again, I didn't think anything of it. Weird things happen to me all the time so I wasn't too worried.
The dizziness hit me while I was a work. This type of dizziness is like when you turn your head to look at the something or someone and it take a few second for your brain to catch up to the image which make nausea a perfect companion. All I could do was keep my eyes closed and my head on my desk. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes could not just stayed focused on one thing. After two days of this, Tyler decided it was time to see my doctor.
The doc started all sorts of tests to rule out Bell's Palsy, stroke and who knows what else. After all those came back negative, he threw his hands up and admitted defeat(mostly for my sake because I believe he knew the whole time). He ordered me to go the hospital ASAP for a CT scan for further testing. Ty and I get there with my mom following just minutes behind.
One preg test and one CT scan later.Both test came back negative. I have gotten used to many a pregnancy test coming back negative but when someone else tells you, it's a new level of hurt.

Now onto blood work. Same story. Everything comes back dandy.

Thursday, November 4th.
I always wanted to know what it would be like to go into that big tube like machine.
It was actually quite relaxing. Fell asleep a few times even.
Waiting was the hardest part. Around 1 ish my mom texts me to tell me that the radiologist sees, "fog and dust" on my brain scan.
Me thinking it's a joke saying that I have no brain, I laugh it off.
A while later my mom encourages me to call my doctor to have him read the report to me.
I believe at this point she already knew.
I call him and leave a message. Waiting. Waiting. More waiting.
At 5:20 p.m. he calls me.
I have MS.
I can't stop the river of tears down my face. Tyler still doesn't know but he is crying just like me.
Once I get off the phone he just holds me and we cry and cry.
My mom showed up 2 minutes after I get the news.
She sees me and I ask her if she already knows and I can see her heart break.
She hugs me and we cry.

The only real interaction I've had with someone with MS, they were in their mid 20's and in a wheel chair.

Was that going to be me? What about work? What about school? How am I supposed to give body work to my clients when I can't even stand on my own?
What about all the babies I want to have?
Will they resent me for being a sick mom?
How am I supposed to take care of Tyler and his back pain?
Am I going to miss out on the holidays and time with my family?

In that moment, I felt myself age by 30 years.

I feel so betrayed by my body. I really though that being a vegetarian would excempt me from gettting sick. I have always been known as the girl who doesn't get sick. The girl who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I had endless energy.

That is ALL gone. Within two weeks my life has changed forever.

The next day I am ordered to get a spinal tap to confirm or deny the MS diagnosis.
After two hours of waiting it's finally my turn. I was asked to lay flat on my stomach while they put the big needle between my lumbar vertebrae. A spinal tap is literally like tapping a tree. You just sit there and wait for the spinal fluid to drip into the vial. The nurse said that it usually takes between 15 minutes to over an hour.

I only took 2 minutes-tender mercy?

That night my immediate and extended family had the opportunity to stay the weekend at my sister's mission president's cabin. It was one of the best times I've had with my family. My dad gave me the most beautiful and comforting blessing. So many worries and questions were answered. Questions that I had only expressed in my heart.

Come Monday morning my doctor calls me about the spinal tap results.
I have been officially diagnosed with MS. It came as no surprise to me. I don't cry much about it anymore either because I am out of tears or because I feel sustained from everyone that loves me.

Heavenly Father loves me. He knows how I am feeling. He knows I'm scared. He loves me and will comfort me through every treatment, every test and every breakdown. This is the only thing that I KNOW to be true.


TODAY I am grateful that while I stood in the shower holding onto the ledge, Tyler washed my hair and shaved my armpits for me.
TODAY I am grateful that I don't throw up after every car ride.
TODAY I am grateful that my mom, Meagan and Chase came over and cleaned.
These things are love in it's most raw, selfless form.

pass the homemade granola

Free chandelier from MIL.

Paint $5
Thank you.
Craigslist hutch.

Painted Ivory and modge podged scrapbook paper to the back.
Sanded until the bottom white and red layers showed through.

Onto more important things....

Why is it that we know more about Paris Hilton's dog than we do about how our own bodies work? And how doesn't everyone know that human touch is the medicine for practically everything?
I feel myself become more and more granola and hippie by the day.
The fact that your blood pressure could possibly be lowered, your depression can be stabilized if not eliminated and the fact that your chances of getting knocked up can be increased all by receiving Reflexology should blow your mind!
Did you know that getting body work done(Swedish massage, acupressure, shiatsu, cranial sacral therapy etc.) is more than just a nice relaxing feel good time? Studies by the Miami Touch Institute show again and again that massage therapy can save people from injuries, unnecessary pain, and help people with mental disorders like depression and anxiety. I don't know about you but I would MUCH rather pay 50 bucks for a 50 minute full body massage than pay 50 bucks to wait in line at the pharmacy for my happy pills.
Did you know that garlic in oil, pill or powder form is stronger than any antibiotic there is on the market? These are the things the doctors don't want you to know! Did you know that some things I'm learning in my Anatomy class, most med students don't even learn?
There is the thing called Somatic Release where clients that are receiving body work have been known to cry, laugh, get angry, anxious or even get flash backs while on the table. We as humans hold most of our tension, stress and negative emotions in our muscles( especially in our butt muscles) and it just sits there and builds and builds and builds until we explode/breakdown/go insane. When people like this go and get a massage, the massage therapists are not only working on these people to help them relax and rejuvenate. They are helping to release these emotions that possible have NEVER been been dealt with.

Guys.These type of "Natural" "Hocus Pocus" procedures and treatments are anything but. This is how medicine and healing all started. Back to the basics.

Tangent over.

oh and.
I need all the massage practice I can get. Call me. Promise I'm not creepy.
I'm not even allowed to charge you.