How do you love?

I don't have kids yet but I can already feel how it's going to be when one of my children falls away from everything they know and believe for temporal pleasures and experiences. I now have just a glimpse of what my mom went through with me. I can bet it consumed her every thought and tore her apart to see me making horrible, scary and life changing choices. Looking back I feel like she handled everything perfectly. She isn't the type of person to barge into my life and force me to do anything. She told me what her expectations were and from there, I made my choices. She would discipline me for minor things like schooling or curfew but I had a lot of freedom to make my own choices. Although she did intervene in the extreme cases.

It took me a long time to figure out what my morals and standards were. Unfortunately I tend to be the kind of thick headed person that usually has to experience things to know for sure if they are bad or good. I usually take the test before getting the lessons. I absolutely admire those kind of people that already know what their morals are and are firm in their beliefs. Tyler's family is a supreme example of this. They are amazing people. There is no grey area. Either it's right or it's wrong.
It kills me to think that people think that experiencing something is the ONLY way to know if it's something they want. Does history teach us nothing? We are not put on this earth alone. We are not meant to struggle and suffer alone. We are here to learn and teach each other things that we might not know on our own.

It's so easy to love and support somebody when they are doing the right thing. When they are making good healthy choices and when you know they are truly happy. So how do you love someone when they aren't doing those things? It's easy to say that you just need to "be there for them and let them figure it out" but how are you supposed to actually DO those things?
When someone you know is making dumb and potentially soul sucking choices. When their whole attitude and personality changes it's hard to even be around them. When you can tell that they aren't really there with you in the moment because they are thinking about their other, cool, new and exciting life. How do you deal with that?
Even though they have seen you and other people close to them make these same choices and see how horrible things turned out for you and how those choices led to nothing but tears and regrets. How do you love them?
When they ask you questions about your past, do you answer them? Do you lie? Do you just avoid the question?
When you are with them and they start talking about the things they are trying and the people they associate with, do you just listen or tell them that you don't want to hear it? That it makes you sick to think of them doing these things.
Are you supposed to tell them that the new friends they have are not really friends at all or just let them learn on their own? Can you tell them that when or if they decide on a different path in life that these "friends" will not be there anymore?

How can you love a person when everything you knew about that person and the reasons why you loved them, are no longer traits that person carries?

How do mothers do it?

It's times like these that makes me REALLY hate the adversary. To take a perfectly beautiful, innocent child of god, and totally and utterly crush their foundation and make them question themselves. For him to come along and turn an amazing and completely trusting person into a cynical, questioning and doubtful human. It's not right. I shouldn't be like this.
There is such a difference in fleeting happiness and pure joy. Why doesn't EVERYONE know this? There are people all over the place that say you need to live and learn and experience. Is that just a way to justify the wrong things they are doing? Frankly, it's a cop out.
I am not a mother yet but I feel so much pain for someone who I feel I have had a part in raising.
Really, I feel like all of this my fault.

B slapped

I am here. Eating really good cookies that Tyler made. Every time I make cookies they turn out to look like biscuits, or I forget to add an unnecessary ingredient like baking soda or something equally as dumb. He really is better than me at everything, except driving. He sucks a driving. He loves to slam on the brakes and make my head fly forward.

Back to eating. I am eating these cookies. It's almost 11 a.m.

I really shouldn't be eating cookies so early, or at all for that matter.

Sometimes I wish I had someone standing by all day to slap me whenever I get out of hand.

I can't count on myself for to control my eating habits but if I had someone there to slap me into reality, well I would probably get really pissed cause I had just gotten slapped, but in the end I would know that they only want the best for me and my bod.

One time in 2006 when I was living on my cousin Steffany's floor at the Riv Riv(Riviera Apts)(Apartments) we both woke up at the same time exact same time. I then had the thought that I had never been slapped and really wanted to know what it felt like. Steffany submitted graciously and the slapping commenced. Back and forth with slaps. Me then her. Her then me. It hurt but we laughed. A lot. We still laugh a lot when we talk about it every time we see each other.

Something scary happened today at work. I was typing in a web address that started with the letters "sin". Thinking that I didn't need to type in the rest of the address, I pushed enter. Didn't take me to where I wanted to go. Instead, it took me to a site that said I was in a restricted porn site. Awesome time. When I went to new employee orientation the lady said that if anyone looks at porn, they will be fired. No questions asked. IF they would only ask, I would tell them that I don't even like porn. That I only wanted to go to this other website that talks about lots of platonic things. No porn anywhere. That I have a computer at home to look at porn until my cup over flows with porn. If that's what I want. I am so fired.


Oh another thing just happened. The UPS guy just came and dropped off a package. We start on the safe subject of weather. I say how I hope it stays warm. He asks me where I live. I say I live by the Temple. He says he can't wait to wear shorts during summer. I say me too. He asks me if I wear shorts..I say yes. He stops to think. About me in shorts. I start to cry inside. He then asks what else I wear in the summer. I shrink behind the counter and say I wear flip-flops. He asks if I wear hats. I say no. He says that he hears that girls look hot with hats on. I tell him I look ugly in hats. He tells me I should wear one this summer and he will come see what I look like in a hat. I smiled and cried a little more.

Crying right now

See this guy?

He just got his schedule for his job at the State Hospital.

6:30am-3:00pm everyday, INCLUDING SUNDAY.

Who am I going to sit with at church?

I already miss him.

I want to cry.

I am very co-dependant.

I can already feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead knowing that people
are going to try to talk to me and I will actually have to talk about MYSELF instead of
deflecting their questions onto Tyler and his love of art and history.

My hobbies are not things that people like to talk about..shopping, T.V., going through photo albums and writing the dates on the backs...

Everyone is going to hate me cause I won't have Tyler there to laugh at my attempts at mild humor. I don't know how to do mild humor. It's either all or nothing with me. Sometimes it get me in trouble.


I guess I need to calm down cause apparently this schedule is only going to be for six weeks.

But still.

How to insult me.

Tell me how cute I am

mmm Steak..

For our 2 year anniversary(I can't believe we made it 2 years without a funeral)(kidding)(or am I?) we went to Outback Steakhouse...as you can see.

This is what a vegetarian does with steak knives..





As seen above, we look like we just came out of a burning building.
Could we look any more plastic?
That is what happens when you and your husband are too scared to ask the waiter to take your picture with a real camera even if it is a day to remember.
The pictures actually burn your retinas if you look too long.
We are just a couple of anti-social idiots.

24 months along

7:15 a.m.-Before work

Ty: Happy Anniversary

Court: Happy Anniversary!...(pauses to think)

Court: Hey, why didn't I get breakfast in bed?

Ty:...(pauses to think) why didn't YOU give ME breakfast in bed?

Court: Cause your the man!

Ty:..(pauses) that's right, I'm the MAN!


2:50 p.m.

Intercom Lady voice: I have a delivery for Courtney Jarman

Court: (thinks in head) Did I order some maintenance supplies?


coworker lets lady voice in and all the women in the front office start oooohing...




Ty, you are the man

Filler

Pictures to occupy your eyes until I get around to something cooler.

Ty made me take this picture with the promise that the next one would be a "normal" face..

Ty's V-day card for me..kind of morbid. That's how I like my men.

Half Ty, half me.