Alright, so some of you are aware of my insane baby woes, some of you aren't, so here we go. About a year and a half ago in April when me and Tyler got married, I didn't even THINK about having a baby. It wasn't even in my vocab. Not that I was anti, I just didn't even realize that that was an option. Then my dear friend Ana Stein had her baby in August, just 4 months after my wedding. So sitting there in the hospital room with Ana, visitors and baby, it hit me. I NEED A BABY! But I wasn't to the crazy-obsessed stage of getting prego...yet.
So time goes on, and every once in a while I will ask Tyler how he feels about having a mini Jarman. Of course his answers were very vague and very short. Other times I would ask him he he feels about certain baby names. Same vague answers. It wasn't until about Februaryish of this year that I really started going mad with babyitis. I would spend ALL DAY at work looking up baby names(I have a full two pages of boys & girls names), baby clothes, baby food, baby slings, bedrooms sets, I would even pretend I was pregnant and look up how big my baby was at any given week of womb-growth. It was pretty bad. Every baby I saw on the street would make me lose all concentration for everything else. I would point out the babies at church to Ty, like he cared. During this stage of babyitis, things were a bit crazy. Seriously, ask my mom.
Then finally Tyler literally had to sit me down and say enough is enough. I was going way too far. It was true. So I settled down, for a little while. Then my sis-in-law,Cait, around May started talking about how she wanted to start trying for a baby. Then it all came rushing back. We talked about how fun it would be to get prego at the same time and have babies the same age so they could play with each other, blah blah blah blah.
Here we go again.
She then left to go sell with her hub in Chicago and things settled down once more for me and my crazy antics. Around June, somehow, I got Tyler to agree that in August, we would start trying to get preg...That was enough time to wrap our heads around the idea of a little monster running our lives, right? So we started praying about it, and it was like instantly, the next day, all of those feelings just vanised. I was even at the point that I was so mad at myself for even previously thinking about having a baby. It's like, "okay you're pregnant, have the baby, then what?" Take care of it? How fun is that? Thinking about it logically, there was no good reason to have a baby. I was ready to have it be me, Ty and Toben for the next 40 years.
I was really confused for a few days but I also felt so free. My life wasn't consumed by everything baby anymore. I was able to actually enjoy life and what I have instead of thinking about this baby that I didn't have. I even lost a few pounds...go figure.
So it has been a very nice, baby-less summer. Me and Ty have been able to actually enjoy be around each other, Ty has gone back to school, we rearranged and painted our living room and I started a new, cool job. Even with the wonderful news of my sis-in-law getting knocked up, I still had no feelings of jealousy or bitterness.
So it's September now....crap. Those freakin baby lovin' feelings are back!
Now don't worry, those feelings are about a half a percent the size than they were before, but they are definitely there. I have been trying to figure out what triggered these old thoughts and feelings, and I can't for the life of me, pin point what brought it all back. Dilemma.
OK, I get that some people want to wait until their husbands are totally done with school for all that financial stability, and some people thinks it's their personal duty to shoot out a baby 9 months after marriage and every year after that. I still can't figure out what kind of person I am.
I know how much things change once a baby comes. I really do. But I think I'm OK with that. It's not like we are actually social with other couples. So I'm not too worried about losing our social lives.
I don't really know what the point of this post is, all I know is I just needed to get it out somewhere. And where better that on the WWW?
If anyone has any suggestions/opinions or if you think I'm a complete mess and want to plan the rest of my life for me, please, feel free to contact me.
Who knows, Christmas is coming soon..
Monday, September 8, 2008
Baby Mama Drama
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6 comments:
1. I love how my name is Ana Stein.
2. I love you.
3. You and Tyler would be fabulous parents
4. I'm all about babies. I love them. Alex is one of the funniest people I know. No joke. But putting my love of babies aside... it is a lot of work. Your doing the right thing by praying and talking to Heavenly Father. He'll give the best advice.
5. CALL ME!
I totally know what you are talking about!! i even got a couple of live vaccine shots, at the end of the summer, that can't be taken when your pregnant so "just in case" something happens. And last Sat. I told Jeremy that we should start buying baby things even if were are not pregnant b/c someday we will be. My reasoning was that it was better to spend a little money here and there instead of all at once when I get pregnant - who am i kidding though I'll be prego for nine months, isn't that enough time to get everything.
Anyway i definitely think we should get together and talk about babies. Maybe we could even go shopping for baby things (we don't have to buy anything, just look)! What do you want first? I am thinking a girl would be about perfect : )
I was glad to read this. I didn't know you felt that way. It is hard with all the cousins and friends getting pregnant. I have my mom and sister asking every time we talk if I am or not. But I would have to take my mother-in-law's side. She of course would love to have a grand baby but doesn't ask because she knows it is between Grant and I and the Lord. I think there may be some obvious times certain people should not have a baby. But mostly it is between you guys. Although as you said that is so hard when you see baby all over. I sympathize with you.
Just do it!
I love reading your blog, and Meagan's letters... It is so fun! About all of the "Baby Mama Drama" I think you will know when the time is right. I think you will be such a cute mom, and although it seems very stressful and scary, the whole pregnancy/giving birth/taking care of a baby wasn't as overwhelming as I was expecting it to be. I'm not saying it is a piece of cake, there is a lot to get used to, but I think you will be an awesome mom when you are ready. You will know when it is right. =)
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