Something smells fishy.

I am officially into my second trimester. It's still weird that I, me, Courtney am talking about being pregnant. It feels so foreign and slightly creepy. I don't feel pregnant. Besides my daily emotional outbursts over Tyler not letting me quit school and work, things are pretty normal around here.

I promise you there is a a rule somewhere that says once you get knocked up, you're only obligation is to grow a human. Some people have clearly missed that memo. I'm not giving up. I'd much rather be bored by my own choice.

A kid at school asked me if he could punch my baby and then I asked him if I could punch his face. It got a laugh but I still wonder about that boy. Already people are trying to get all up in my stomach business and touch it. I keep telling them it's still just my fat but they refuse to believe me. Annoying.

If we want, we can find out if we're having a boy or girl at 15-16 weeks. There is a guy in our ward who does ultrasounds and he gives all the pregnant women free ones. What a treat. He has only been wrong once but maybe he's only done 12 ultrasounds in his career thus far.

This means we can find out in like 2 weeks. I wanted a boy for a month or so but then my mom gave me a giant box full of baby girl clothes she got from a gal at work and now I'll be mad if it's not a girl. I'm allowed to say that because I'll only be mad until the boy is born. Then I'll be forced to love him regardless.

My mom, dad, brothers, sister and BIL gave Tyler tile for his birthday this year. They changed out our yellow, 50's style linoleum flooring for new, CLEAN tile in the kitchen. It was a marathon of work for these poor people. I have a feeling they all slightly resent us for not being able to help. I would say we helped a lot. We kept moral up with Diet Mountain Dew and Havarti cheese.

I have to remind myself that I don't need to tip-toe through caked on dirt the kitchen anymore.
My mom said that she totally over helping us MSers and back injury folks with yard work and household repairs. It's all for the baby now. I have a feeling I won't be the center of attention once this thing is born. I am not liking where this is going already.
Time to step my jokes.

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility.I hope she is cool with me calling her my friend. We shared a few classes together and Independence High School and that shiz bonds people for life.

She was able to have 3 boys on her own but as of late, her body isn't cooperating.

She and her husband are in the process of adopting and this a letter she wrote to herself.

I immediately thought of someone close to me who is also going through a similar story.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard.

You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok.

Because it's not fair.

Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not.

And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,

sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.

It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you

are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very

own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently.

Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see.

Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts

content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!

Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.

But don't ever feel broken.