Thank You

I was kind of thrown off by the rap but that
didn't stop me from crying like an 8 pound baby.

November 4

I write this with blurry vision so don't mind my typos and many other errors. This needs to be documented and really, who writes in journals these days? It just makes your hand hurt.
November 4th began on October 24th. The day after my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. I woke up and noticed that my right foot was a little numb. I didn't think much of it and I definitely did not tell Tyler. I hate attention when it comes to my health.
Two days later during school, I scratched the right side of my head was also numb. With further inspection, I felt(or didn't feel) that the numbness had taken over my entire right side. I asked my wonderful massage variations teacher, Kathy Thomas what it could mean. She thought for a while and couldn't think of a reasonable explanation for my symptoms but suggested that I go see a doctor.
At this point, I didn't think much of seeing a doc since I had no other real symptoms until i woke up the next morning.
I got out of bed to get ready for work and noticed that I was having difficulty catching my balance. Again, I didn't think anything of it. Weird things happen to me all the time so I wasn't too worried.
The dizziness hit me while I was a work. This type of dizziness is like when you turn your head to look at the something or someone and it take a few second for your brain to catch up to the image which make nausea a perfect companion. All I could do was keep my eyes closed and my head on my desk. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes could not just stayed focused on one thing. After two days of this, Tyler decided it was time to see my doctor.
The doc started all sorts of tests to rule out Bell's Palsy, stroke and who knows what else. After all those came back negative, he threw his hands up and admitted defeat(mostly for my sake because I believe he knew the whole time). He ordered me to go the hospital ASAP for a CT scan for further testing. Ty and I get there with my mom following just minutes behind.
One preg test and one CT scan later.Both test came back negative. I have gotten used to many a pregnancy test coming back negative but when someone else tells you, it's a new level of hurt.

Now onto blood work. Same story. Everything comes back dandy.

Thursday, November 4th.
I always wanted to know what it would be like to go into that big tube like machine.
It was actually quite relaxing. Fell asleep a few times even.
Waiting was the hardest part. Around 1 ish my mom texts me to tell me that the radiologist sees, "fog and dust" on my brain scan.
Me thinking it's a joke saying that I have no brain, I laugh it off.
A while later my mom encourages me to call my doctor to have him read the report to me.
I believe at this point she already knew.
I call him and leave a message. Waiting. Waiting. More waiting.
At 5:20 p.m. he calls me.
I have MS.
I can't stop the river of tears down my face. Tyler still doesn't know but he is crying just like me.
Once I get off the phone he just holds me and we cry and cry.
My mom showed up 2 minutes after I get the news.
She sees me and I ask her if she already knows and I can see her heart break.
She hugs me and we cry.

The only real interaction I've had with someone with MS, they were in their mid 20's and in a wheel chair.

Was that going to be me? What about work? What about school? How am I supposed to give body work to my clients when I can't even stand on my own?
What about all the babies I want to have?
Will they resent me for being a sick mom?
How am I supposed to take care of Tyler and his back pain?
Am I going to miss out on the holidays and time with my family?

In that moment, I felt myself age by 30 years.

I feel so betrayed by my body. I really though that being a vegetarian would excempt me from gettting sick. I have always been known as the girl who doesn't get sick. The girl who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I had endless energy.

That is ALL gone. Within two weeks my life has changed forever.

The next day I am ordered to get a spinal tap to confirm or deny the MS diagnosis.
After two hours of waiting it's finally my turn. I was asked to lay flat on my stomach while they put the big needle between my lumbar vertebrae. A spinal tap is literally like tapping a tree. You just sit there and wait for the spinal fluid to drip into the vial. The nurse said that it usually takes between 15 minutes to over an hour.

I only took 2 minutes-tender mercy?

That night my immediate and extended family had the opportunity to stay the weekend at my sister's mission president's cabin. It was one of the best times I've had with my family. My dad gave me the most beautiful and comforting blessing. So many worries and questions were answered. Questions that I had only expressed in my heart.

Come Monday morning my doctor calls me about the spinal tap results.
I have been officially diagnosed with MS. It came as no surprise to me. I don't cry much about it anymore either because I am out of tears or because I feel sustained from everyone that loves me.

Heavenly Father loves me. He knows how I am feeling. He knows I'm scared. He loves me and will comfort me through every treatment, every test and every breakdown. This is the only thing that I KNOW to be true.


TODAY I am grateful that while I stood in the shower holding onto the ledge, Tyler washed my hair and shaved my armpits for me.
TODAY I am grateful that I don't throw up after every car ride.
TODAY I am grateful that my mom, Meagan and Chase came over and cleaned.
These things are love in it's most raw, selfless form.