the fine line between damn and thanks

Gratitude is usually easy to feel but it gets a little bit harder when you wake up every two hours to reposition your mound of pillows that surround your ever expanding body. So that's fun.
Being 5 weeks away from having a baby is so weird. Like this thing is coming out soon. Since I'm only a handful of weeks away from bringing a baby home, it's probably time to get a nursery set up. I just painted her room this weekend and maybe I'll set the crib up soon. It's not like she cares what the room looks like anyway and she doesn't even need a crib until she starts to move a lot in her sleep. We have a really big couch that she will like until then. Our dog seems to love it. I think instead of going through that Nesting phase, I'm going through Apathying. I don't care about most things these days. But not in a depressive way this time. I'm finding it hard to care about being social, being nice, being tactful, and working. Which maybe isn't so far off from my normal self. hmm.
But. I have been super needy and whiny. I am obsessed with Tyler lately. Like I am acting like we just started dating and I have to sit right next to him all day. And when I go to the grocery store, I just get flustered cause he isn't there to be practical and help us buy "meal food" so I end up just buying veggie corn dogs and frozen fruit. If someone invites me to go somewhere without him, I dread it because thinking about being away from Tyler for more than 30 minutes makes me want to pass out. What if I have a really good joke or I see someone trip and he can't be there to laugh with me?
I have been thinking about not letting people come see us in the hospital after she is born because I don't want anyone else to hold her. But then I realize that I am really going crazy for sure. So even if I hate that you're holding my baby for too long, I'll probably just look at Tyler so he can give me the "it's OK, calm down" look and I'll get over it.

at least I can't do this

11 weeks. Until baby gal comes. I have had two dreams where I've had the baby and I can see what she looks like and then I wake up and I'm really mean to everyone the rest of the day because she isn't really here.
Last week of school is on the 8th and I don't know if I can even use the word 'excited'. I'm just happy that I won't be so mean to everyone. I'm surprised people even talk to me anymore. Shout out to all you guys.
I started to incorporate a few different things into my massage recently so my hands don't hate me everyday and it made me actually like giving massages. Once I graduate, I can give you one. If you can do something cool in return maybe we can even trade.
The baby shower that my mom and sister are doing is coming up and I'm really excited to see how cute it's going to be. It's going to be cute because my mom and Meagan are really good at making things cute. I try to make things that are cute but I usually get distracted and stop halfway through so it ends up looking trashy. I feel sorry for my sister for when I plan her shower. Sorry ahead of time.
Ty and I are starting our baby class this week. It's at this house and some girl teaches it. She is trained in hypnobirthing, Bradly Method and probably some other stuff too. I am excited for Tyler to learn. He doesn't really listen to me when I try and teach him about labor and delivery but probably mainly because I just talk about how hospitals are just trying to make money off of everyone. I really need to calm down with all these crazy baby conspiracies.
I don't when I went so crazy. I blame Netflix mostly.

big pills are harder to swallow

my husband cares about decorating. this came as a shock to me when i realized it. my experience with the typical married man is that they only care about sports and steak yet I have never been to a steakhouse or watched a single sporting event with my tyler. these things are his choice, really, i did not sway him one bit. ty's idea of fun is talking, watching Ancient Aliens and going to Border's to look at art magazines. sometimes he even has the nerve to tell me what i'm wearing doesn't "go together". i'm being cute and eclectic, leave me alone!

continuing along those eclectic lines, i love buying random crap for my house. buying a house was a really bad idea. it gave me the freedom to buy crap for more than one room. tyler has strong opinions on how the house should look and what "feel" it should have. up until this point i have completely ignored him. big mistake. in my attempt to my the house feel like home, i just embarrassed myself. apparently green, blown glass buddah heads don't go with just anything. how many sets of curtains and cans of paint does someone really need? the old me would say, "the more the merrier!" well she was an idiot.

some might call me an impulsive shopper but used to think I was being spontaneous and fun.
after a year and a half of being spontaneous and fun at garage sales, Hobby Lobby's 60% off section, dollar store, KSL and generous family member's houses, it's time i admit that my house is disorienting and confusing at best.

it kind of felt good to admit this. now comes the fun part of purging. the one thing i like more than buying crap is throwing crap(or sometimes crucial papers) away.

everything goes!

it's down to bare bones.

this is going to be weird.

this also means that i have agreed to let tyler have a say in what happens in the nursery. no more saying, "you shouldn't even care, you're a boy".

changing is hard.

shiny body stuff

In my Structural and Movement class at the Utah College of Massage Therapy, I am learning some pretty cool things. This class is all about learning how you hold your body and the "holding patterns" that people develop over the years. Like you know when girls stick their butts out really far to make their butts look cuter?
That is called an anterior tilt and it's really bad for your pelvis and throws off your posture and muscles like crazy. Just tuck it back in, boys aren't worth anterior tilts.
Speaking of anterior tilts. I'm sick of skinny girls talking about their "pooches". Imagine if you will a bowl of fruit. Now imagine your pelvis filled with intestines. If you tip that bowl forward, the fruit/intestines are going to spill out. When you try to be cute and stick your butt out, your making your guts spill forward which is most likely what is causing that pooch. So yea, let's just all take a minute and put it all back.

I am also learning about Fascia. oh fascia. It is some gooood stuff. Have you ever noticed when you peel skin off of a chicken or when you eat real beef jerky and you see that silvery, shiny stuff? I don't know what this looks like since I've never skinned a chicken or eaten any kind of jerky but these are the examples my teacher gave me.
Anyway, that stuff is fascia.
Actually I have seen it before on a dead person. I went up to the University of Utah to their cadaver lab and saw fascia there. It's pretty.

So fascia surrounds your muscles, every muscle fiber and is all over inside your entire body. It's everywhere guys.

You know when you're just starting to run and you feel really stiff and then like 30 minutes later you feel all loose and warm? That's the fascia being warmed and loosened which in turn loosens the muscle.

Fascia is like coconut oil or butter or wax. It's solidified when at a regular temperature but when it gets warm, it totally liquefies.

Structural body work is all about loosening that fascia through slow, deep strokes and putting the tissue in your body back where it's supposed to be. It's those holding patterns we develop that pull the tissue out of place.

You know when you make your bed and put the bedspread on but the sheets underneath are still wrinkly and you can see the wrinkles through the top layer? That's what our skin is like. It's just the top layer of our body, but if our fascia is too tight or being pulled out of place, we look wrinkly.

Sometimes when you look at people on TV or at the pool or wherever shirtless people are and you see their back and they look like they have stripes or shadows in their lower back area. I started to google some pictures to show as an example but all that would come up was back fat through spaghetti straps tank tops. So do your own googling and see if you can see what I mean.
I used to think that those shadows or dips in their back was just part of back fat. Turns out. It's too tight fascia.

I asked my teacher. "Do you think sometimes if you think you have cellulite, it's really just tight fascia?"
She said. "Oh absolutely!"

This is the good news. You might not have as much cellulite as you think. All you need is some good structural bodywork done.

I would say, call me and I'll come straighten your issues out but I don't graduate until October and I know you won't be able to wait.
Until then, I know a girl would is an amazing body worker. I would be so happy to give you her number. Her name is Jessica.

great folks

sometimes or everyday I think about how hard my life is and how busy I am and how I would give anything to just stay home and have even the CHANCE to be bored for once. Also, sometimes or everyday I think about why I'm the one who had to get sick and why I'm the one with a husband who has a hurty back.
Sometimes I think about these things but then sometimes Pioneer Day just shows up out of nowhere and reminds me how big of an idiot I am.
Can you even imagine how much I would complain if I had to leave my cool house and WALK all the way across the country? I'd like to think I'd be valiant and steadfast and a great leader but really. I'd be the worst.


There was no such thing as a 2 day hospital stay when you had to give birth. You just had to squat down somewhere along the way, push that baby out and then just keep walking some more.

There were no Harmon's they could just swing by when the pioneers were sick of eating flour for every meal.

Sometimes for me, being sick means that I can't drive. Pioneers never got to ask, "should I take the car or the scooter tonight?"

I HATE when the hem of my pants get wet during the winter. Pioneer women didn't even have pant. They probably didn't even have socks.

To them, Angry Birds probably meant dying from the bird flu.

When I get off work on Sunday mornings at 7am, I only get 5 hours of sleep until I have to get up for church.
When there were packs of wolves lurking around the pioneer's campsites and night, they probably got 1 second of sleep.


All I'm saying is, we are pretty dang lucky. I may not have the coolest stripes for the season but at least I have clothes. I may not have all the time that I wish I had but at least I can be 99% sure that I will be alive tomorrow.

Hats off to the pioneers. Ya'll are some tough mothas.

uncontrolled happy

Dude.

We're having a girl.

I have never been so happy.

Something smells fishy.

I am officially into my second trimester. It's still weird that I, me, Courtney am talking about being pregnant. It feels so foreign and slightly creepy. I don't feel pregnant. Besides my daily emotional outbursts over Tyler not letting me quit school and work, things are pretty normal around here.

I promise you there is a a rule somewhere that says once you get knocked up, you're only obligation is to grow a human. Some people have clearly missed that memo. I'm not giving up. I'd much rather be bored by my own choice.

A kid at school asked me if he could punch my baby and then I asked him if I could punch his face. It got a laugh but I still wonder about that boy. Already people are trying to get all up in my stomach business and touch it. I keep telling them it's still just my fat but they refuse to believe me. Annoying.

If we want, we can find out if we're having a boy or girl at 15-16 weeks. There is a guy in our ward who does ultrasounds and he gives all the pregnant women free ones. What a treat. He has only been wrong once but maybe he's only done 12 ultrasounds in his career thus far.

This means we can find out in like 2 weeks. I wanted a boy for a month or so but then my mom gave me a giant box full of baby girl clothes she got from a gal at work and now I'll be mad if it's not a girl. I'm allowed to say that because I'll only be mad until the boy is born. Then I'll be forced to love him regardless.

My mom, dad, brothers, sister and BIL gave Tyler tile for his birthday this year. They changed out our yellow, 50's style linoleum flooring for new, CLEAN tile in the kitchen. It was a marathon of work for these poor people. I have a feeling they all slightly resent us for not being able to help. I would say we helped a lot. We kept moral up with Diet Mountain Dew and Havarti cheese.

I have to remind myself that I don't need to tip-toe through caked on dirt the kitchen anymore.
My mom said that she totally over helping us MSers and back injury folks with yard work and household repairs. It's all for the baby now. I have a feeling I won't be the center of attention once this thing is born. I am not liking where this is going already.
Time to step my jokes.

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility.I hope she is cool with me calling her my friend. We shared a few classes together and Independence High School and that shiz bonds people for life.

She was able to have 3 boys on her own but as of late, her body isn't cooperating.

She and her husband are in the process of adopting and this a letter she wrote to herself.

I immediately thought of someone close to me who is also going through a similar story.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard.

You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok.

Because it's not fair.

Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not.

And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,

sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.

It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you

are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very

own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently.

Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see.

Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts

content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!

Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.

But don't ever feel broken.

The baby loves this possibly more than me

Minute 3:17. Perfection.

Original Scent

We heard babies heartbeat today.
Kind of heavy.

My nurse/midwife sent me to get an ultrasound to make sure the babe was growing OK. You know, MS has been known to eff things up in the past.

She told me that I need to drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound so my bladder would push my uterus closer to the surface.
I was trying really hard to cry and act really sentimental but all I could think about was peeing in my purse.
It didn't help that the tech was smashing the wand thing into my stomach.
Actually, I don't blame her. This sounds like the best joke and best job.
To be there while a couple is sharing a monumental moment and to see these desperate pregnant women trying really hard not to pee the whole time.

Genius job.

December 18th is my due date but only 5% of babies actually come on their due date so I'm not even believing this.
I'll let baby decide.

A lot of my graveyard shifts constist of me viewing dance videos on YouTube. I prefer watching the dances from America's Best Dance Crew. These videos always make me happy and get my pumped up. I don't what it is but, watching these videos always make me feel like I can dance that well. They make it look so seamless.

Every once in a while, I try a few of these moves but I just hurt myself instead.
Then I look around to make sure that the kids in their cells aren't watching me.