status: happy

I love you all.

Thank you so much for your sharing your experiences and

giving advice.

Prayers are answered and I found a group of certified nurse midwives that accept my insurance plan. They are at New Beginnings in Orem right next to Orem Community Hospital. I will be getting all of my prenatal care through them and they will also be the ones to deliver my babe. I will be delivering in the labor and delivery section of Orem Community and they have back up physicians in case of emergencies.

AND..since I am TRIPLE covered by insurance(I guess I should thank Obama and my mom for that) I anticipate paying very little out of pocket for this event. woo.hoo.

I am the happiest girl.

p.s. Becca, I so wish you lived down here because I would LOVE to have you as my doula.

calling all woah-men

Hope-I want a natural birth. My dream delivery story would be a water birth at home with a midwife.

Problem-my insurance won't cover midwifes, Birthing Centers, etc...

I feel strongly about doing a natural child birth.
I feel strongly about Hypno-birthing.
I also feel strongly about a water birth.

None of these things are covered. If I want any of these things, I will have to pay for them myself.

I know that I have the option of going to the hospital to have my baby and just passing on the epidural but I'm quickly learning that once your in the grips of those nurses and docs, you almost have no say in what happens with your body/birth.
A lot of these "necessary" interventions such as Pitocin, really aren't necessary 95% of the time. It just speeds things up for the hospitals timeline so they can get you in and out asap in order for another woman to take your place.
Hospitals are a business and they're goal is to make money.

Okay, wow...

I need to calm down.

Please watch The Business of Being Born if you want to know exactly what I'm talking about. It's on Netflix. If you want, we can even have a party at my house and watch it together. We can all dress up like babies too.

This is my cry for help.

I know I am still in the early early stages of pregnancy but I want to start planning now.
Most women that I have spoken with have only gone through the "traditional" labor so I don't know a lot about the kind of birth I want and how possible that is in the county of Utah.

If you or anyone you know has done a home birth, water birth, natural birth, Hypno-birthing, used midwives, Doualas, etc., please let me know!

I'm thinking that it might come down to money and that I'll have to just suck it up and use a regular doctor but I still want to know if there are any docs out there who are willing to work around your birth plan and who are willing to listen to what you want.

PLEASE. I'M BEGGING.

Right now I have an appointment with the group of doctors at Utah Valley Obstetrics. Dr. Wolsey, Rees, Gamette, Thorpe, Jacobs, Broeberg, etc.
When I spoke to the nurse on the phone, I got the feeling that she wasn't so keen the idea of natural anything.
Does anyone have experience with these peeps?

I need your help!

something cool

I've never been able to keep a secret. I think that makes me a bad friend.

So this is me not keeping a secret after only knowing it for 24 hours.

I am totally knocked up.

I feel like I'm faking it and someone is going to catch me in my lie any minute.

After 2+ years we FINALLY get one of those cute, tiny humans everyone else has.

After I saw the results of the test, I had to take the instructions out of the box to make sure that a plus sign really means positive.

I went insane for a second.

Then I screamed for Tyler and he pretended he didn't know what a plus sign meant.

Then we would laugh hysterically, stare off into the distance, not talk to each other and say, "what the heck?" for the following 4 hours.

so

I don't answer doors. Especially my own front door. Ideally, I would prefer a call in advance to warn me that someone will be knocking on my door. It's always better for both parties if I get a chance to mentally and emotionally prepare.

Do you invite them in or let them stand on your porch?

It would be the polite thing to let them in but what if they are only planning on staying for a second and they feel bad saying no so they come in and sit down. Then they feel pressure to stay longer and we both end up hating me.

I'll never catch on.

Today I was laying on the couch which is right under the window that faces the front of our house. You can always see who is coming to the door before they knock. I saw a lady walk past the window and then she knocked. I muted the TV and played dead.

But wait, here comes Tyler, crap!

I ran into the room and this is what I witness with my own ears:

(Tyler opens door to a lady selling coupons)

Lady: You look like a guy who loves steak!

Tyler: um...actually we're vegetarians.

Lady:...oh...really?...well these Steers were vegetarians before they were slaughtered!

Tyler: Looks like they had the right idea.

Lady: yea...ok bye!

I am still trying to figure out what she meant by that.

Was that her fantasic selling strategy or was she just grasping at straws at that point?

Weirest person.

Couldn't have said it better

My hands shake as my words slur,

But it’s not what you think.

I trip and I sway,

Though I haven’t had a drink.

I could fall at any moment.

And this never leaves my mind

But I’m trying hard to manage

As I’m on this MS ride.

My legs look normal But feel like rubber.

My arms look strong enough,

But melt like butter.

I have slept for hours,

But my eyes still droop.

I want to walk straight,

But my head loop-de-loops.

You think I’m paying attention,

But my mind has wandered away.

I want to speak clearly,

But I’m stuttering today.

I try to read your email,

But I am seeing double.

I want to come with you,

But walking gives me trouble.

I may need your patience

And your compassion too.

But never your pity

For all I have to do.

I need you to be kind.

And try to understand.

I’m living a new life

Doing the best that I can.

I am making an effort

To be someone who

Is making a difference

In my own life too.

Give me a chance

Be on my side

I am still me

Even with all the drama inside.

My body has changed

But my heart is the same.

I still have a beautiful life

Even when playing the MS game.

The thing I need the most

As you try to understand

Is the comfort and confidence

That I still have my friend

By Tammy Malkowski

goo gee gaa gyyy

My work is having a weight loss challenge. They split us up into teams and we all get a pedometer to count how many steps we take in a month's time. I know my team is going to win because my legs are shorter so I take more steps than anyone at work. It angers me that people still haven't caught on to the fact that I work graveyards. Dear callers/voicemailers/texters I will not be responding to you until I wake up at 2 p.m. Wednesday-Sunday. Make a mental note. Unless my schedule isn't your top priority. Which it's probably not. I can't stop watching Kitchen Nightmares on Fox. I love when Chef Ramsay first gets to the restaurant and samples the food. The servers try to be helpful by suggesting their favorite foods but then he just ends up swearing about how much he hates everything. I love when he remodels the restaurant and makes everyone cry. And like right now, one of the owners just got really mad at a server and shoved him out of the kitchen.

At work we use radios to talk to each other and for eight hours I just think about all the funny things I want to say over them. No one really thinks I'm funny here so I know I would end up just being ignored. All I want to do is play weird songs and make scary noises over the radio. In school today I learned that you have a hormone called Melatonin that is in charge of your Sleep Wake Cycles. It responds mostly to light so if you can't sleep, don't try to watch TV or play on the computer. That just adds more light and your Melatonin will never release into your blood system. So no TV.

duh.

how to strengthen your marriage

This weekend we had people over for dinner. Right before they got to our house, we got in a fight. I think it had to do with me thinking Tyler didn't do the dishes enough or something. When our guests arrived, we were still fuming. At our dinner table we have 4 chairs. One of the chairs has a broken leg. I decided to be a good host and let our friends use the functional chairs and I took the lame chair. I sat down to eat and forgot about the tripod chair. The chair buckled under my clumsy weight and I slipped halfway under the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler watching the whole scene play out. He was the only one who noticed and he tried really hard not to laugh. Fight over. If only there were more 3 legged chairs in my life.

walking can be fun

Hey.

If you're Coocoo for Coco, register to be on my team for the MS Walk fundraiser on April 30th in SLC. You can donate money that goes towards research and finding a cure for this nasty disease but if you don't donate, please come walk with me(I would probably love that more anyway). It's free.

I am sososososososo excited for this walk. I start bawling just thinking about all of the love and support I have already felt from everyone that I know. Seeing that sea of Orange in Salt Lake is seriously going to be the kicker. Freakin bawl baby.

The next segment I write is more for my records than anything. I have touched on some of these points in an earlier post but I need to remember every detail. I realize I can write it in a journal but writing makes my hand hurt.

The day that I got my spinal tap was also the day that my family, my uncle's fam and my grandparents had planned to go up to my sister's mission president's cabin. I was told that there was a good chance that I wouldn't feel good enough to do anything for 24 hours after the procedure but you know me, when someone tells me No, I say eff that.

Ty and I rode up with Meg and Callin. I got the front seat. You automatically get whatever you want when you get spinal taps. I started to get ridiculously dizzy and nauseated so that sucked.
Next day. Went shopping in Park City. Felt kind of crappy but I made it through. Even managed to buy some things in between dizzy spells. Go me.

Enter best friend. Mykenzie Hydo. We went to all years of school together and hardly interacted until about a year ago when she said she had a strange prompting to get in contact with me. Who wouldn't want a best friend like that? At this point, she didn't know about my diagnosis and she happened to call me while I was shopping. She asked me how things were going so I told her. Then the most amazing thing happened.

Mykenzie: Courtney, remember how we're best friends?
Me: yea
Myk: remember how we are meant to be in each other's lives?
Me: yea..
Myk: did you forget that my internship is at the National MS Society of Utah?...
Me: *bawling* (I completely forgot that she had told me this months before I got sick)
She is my lifeline when it comes to the latest news and treatments. I do love her.

back to the cabin weekend...

that night I felt really horrible so we all hung out on our bed (ty and I got the master bedroom, thank you spinal tap) and watched Across the Universe.

I also got the chance to get an amazing blessing from my dad. In the blessing he told me that I would live to see my children grow up. The fact that I wouldn't, was one of my biggest, unspoken fears. In that moment, I felt completely uplifted.
Afterwards, we all sat around the fireplace, talked, cried, laughed a lot, sang and I savored every second of it.

Sunday was THE hell of my hell month. I woke up and tried lifting my head off my pillow. Just that small action made me feel like I was being spun in an office chair at full speed. I really wish I could describe how horrible this feeling was just trying to sit up. It took at least 10 tries. Even the slightest movement sent me into dizzy spell after dizzy spell. With my amazingly patient husband's help, I got into the shower.

I stood there in the shower with my eyes closed, pride swallowed and heart full. My love and respect for him reached an entirely new level when he stood there with me and washed my back.

With my balance being off, If I wanted to walk anywhere in the cabin, I needed someone to be there to keep me upright. Otherwise, I would run myself right into the wall, floor, table, railing, etc.
After breakfast, we got me into the truck and drove home. Once we got home, I couldn't walk myself into the house so my dad carried me in and put me on the couch. Once I was settled down, the car ride caught up to me and I threw up my breakfast. Awesome.

Everyone went home and the night just got worse. After a few hours of hellish hell, we decided a trip to the ER would possibly help. For some reason, which I can't remember now, we couldn't take our car so we called my bro and sis-in-law, Ali and Warner to pick us up. They were so amazing and didn't laugh when they saw me wearing Ty's giant flannel shirt and my giant grey sweat pants. We got to the ER and of course once I sit down, I violently throw up which makes everyone in the room scatter away from us. Super.
Ali and Warner stayed and kept us company for a good two hours.
Again, a new level of love.
We finally got a room and after the wheelchair ride back, you guessed it, upchuck time.
My mother-in-law, Lydia came and stayed with us until 2 a.m.
Love level.
I got an IV of something that was supposed to help with the dizziness and nausea. I can't remember if it worked though...maybe that means it did?

She took us home and we slept for a long time.

to the beat ya'll

My heart grows when I discover new music.
Justin Nozuka
Ron Pope
The Xx
Yeah Yeah Yeahs-I knew who they were but I am just now fully appreciating them
Florence + the Machine-the love has been going strong for a while

I also rekindled my love for R&B in the recent weeks.

112, Brian McKnight, Dru Hill, Monica, En Vogue, Jagged Edge, Tyrese, Ashanti, Jon B., Baby Face, Boyz II Men, SWV, TLC, Ginuwine, Black Street, LL Cool J, etc etc etc. Oh I could just go on and ON.

I never could resist a boy with a great "Slow Jamz" CD.
Not that there were a lot of boys, maybe 2 or 3...I'll just stop there.
These days, all a boy has to do is swear at a girl or NOT pay for dinner and he gets lucky.
Talk about LAAAZY!

Pearl, at work, tells me that she's never met a white girl who loves R&B as much as I do. She told me that I'm black on the inside. I'll accept that.

The song that I can't get enough of lately is a Tears for Fears song called Mad World. I love the Donnie Darko version the best. Dean plays this song during yoga. There is something magical about crazy contortionists mixed with creepy songs. I die happy every time.

I'm hating Lady Gaga lately. Basically, if you're clinically insane with daddy issues, you can call yourself a "creative artist" and Hollywood is all over it. Have you read the Hunger Games? Hollywood reminds me of the nut jobs in the Capitol.
I couldn't care less about the Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, Emmys, etc.
Would you waste two hours of your day watching all the rich, popular kids talk about how cool they are?
No, you wouldn't.
So why do you?

Post Op

It's been over a month since I got the procedure for my CCSVI done and
man am I feelin' GOOD!

Let us begin with Dick. He was my personal male nurse/comedian. He is a fantastic man. He swore a lot and made really funny jokes. He also made me bleed like a gallon of blood when he was putting my IV in and I didn't even pass out. The best part is that he gave me a $25 gift card to the University Mall. What would I have done without Dick?... The nurse. perv.

The best part of the whole day is that I was surrounded by men. From the waiting room to the procedure room. There were like 5 men in the room with me. It was raining men.
HALLELUJAH.
Once the operating room, one of the pretties asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to during the procedure. I was too flustered to give a straight answer so he picked Jack Johnson for me.

I didn't get completely knocked out because Dr. Hatch still needed me to be slightly coherent. To get to my Assuages vein, they had to go in through my femoral vein. The vein that's RIGHT in the crease of your groin. So I was totally Full Monty for all the boys.
Yea.
The last thing I really remember was looking to my left and seeing six monitors and my skeleton. I could turn my head from side to side and see it moving on the monitors. It was cool.

Turns out that the vein they thought was blocked, was totally clear. It turned out to be my Assuages vein that was the issue. That's the vein that all of the veins around your ribs flow into. It was at least 60% blocked.

Because they ballooned my vein, I had to be on blood thinners for three weeks so a blood clot wouldn't form. Shots. In my stomach. Everyday. Passing out everyday gets old really fast.

I really feel like the CCSVI has helped my symptoms. I can drive, walk straight and watch TV without throwing up. I also started these supplements by DoTerra that have saved my life. I think the B12 and fish oil have helped the most. They have saved me during my graveyard shifts. The B12 keeps me peppy even when 4am rolls around.

Guys, I really feel fab.
It's like I don't even have MS.
I continue to do my yoga toga at 3b Studio in Riverwoods and I can do some pretty sweet balance poses. Dean says my body is built for yoga. We love Dean. And I'm allowed to brag because this is really the only thing I've ever been good at. Just ask my mom.