Give me my Disability!

I work at a Disability Law Firm and all day I talk to people who are calling in to begin the disability claim process. My job is to see if it is a claim that our office will help them with.
I have NEVER been so entertained at work. Not one second of my job bores me.
Most of the time people are calling me but sometimes I call people who filled out a little form about what their condition is on our website.
Keep in mind that we will only accept conditions that will at least last 12 months for example; Cancer, Lupus, Depression, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc. Also keep in mind that most of these folks are from North and South Carolina, West Virginia, Texas, Georgia and Pennsylvania.

 I have been collecting the following phrases that have really given me hope for our future generations.

Without further ado:

"I keep hurting my muscles and my back"
"I can't read and write"
"I have six fingers on one hand"
"I have good health besides what is going on with my body"
"I have a mental condition, I'm disorderly"
"I am BIOpolar"
"I was 5'7 but now I'm 5'6"
"Can I get a disability grant to fix my car?"
"I had heatstroke in 98'"
"The bottoms of my feet hurt when I walk"
"She can't work because she is slow and ill"

(The next one is horrible but I have to post it)

Me: "How does having Sickle Cell affect your ability to work?"
Client: "My Ding Dong gets real hard in the morning and it takes a long time for it go down so I can't work a morning job"

"I get real sweaty"
"I've committed suicide a few times"
"I've already hung myself"
"Somebody just called me and said that I had diabetes"
"Shaken Leg Syndrome"

My cousin, Afton, and her husband, Michael are looking to adopt.

Afton is the most motherly person I know and not the kind of naggy-whiney-hovering mother but the kind-unconditional-she'll-do-anything-for-anyone kind of mother.

If you or anyone you know is looking to put their child up for adoption, PLEASE read and share their profile.

My Cousin, Emily...

..is way cool.

Deets. Lowdown. FYI.

After cleaning up projectile vomit, I have finally found time to write about Scarlet's birth story...

oh geeze. Where to begin...

At 10 am on Sunday morning my first contraction woke me up. I had just gotten off of my graveyard shift at 6 am so at this point I had gotten about 3.5 hours of sleep. I wasn't really sure if these hurty feelings were real contractions or not because, duh, I had never had a baby before. Three days earlier my midwife said I was 90% effaced and dilated to a 4. Scarlet wasn't due until the 18th but I wasn't shocked that she might be coming early.

She heard her dad begging her not to come until her due date so he could finish his finals so she thought it would be hilarious to come during finals week instead.

After about an hour, I woke Tyler up and told him I thought maybe I was possibly having contractions. He grabbed the laptop and Googled the phrase "False Labor" trying to convince all of us that it wasn't going to happen this day. He tried to get me to time the contractions but I hate math and I couldn't figure out how. Guessing is always good enough for me. Finally after him telling me over and over again that I was experiencing false labor I said, "Tyler, this baby is coming today". Then I went to go pack the hospital bag and to text my mom for the tenth time to see what I should do next.

At noon my mom told me since my contractions were around a minute apart, I should go to the hospital. So we did. As we were driving there, I realized I didn't have my ipod with me so it was pertinent that we turn around and get it. Apparently I forgot to charge it so it didn't even matter.

We arrived at Orem Community Hospital in record time. 4 minutes. Doesn't hurt that we live a mile away. Before they took me back into my room, the lady made me stop laboring so I could read and sign something. People can be so selfish sometimes.

They checked me and said I was dilated to a 4 1/2 and 100% effaced so I could stay. Contractions were bad at this point but I wasn't feeling like going crazy. Yet. Tyler asked me if I wanted him to call my mom so she could come. He did and she was already in the waiting room. hahahaha. Oh mom.

It's hard to say exactly what happened next because I declined any pain medication and, yep, I was feeling some pain. I had seen millions of natural child birth videos online so I thought I knew my stuff. I even took a class about how to labor naturally and what the most effective tactics are. There's one problem. Once your actually in labor and you feel like dying would be easier, you're not thinking about birthing balls and baths anymore. I had my mom and Tyler there tirelessly trying to remind me to breathe through each contraction. I was convinced they didn't know what they were talking about. There was nothing that could ease this pain. I tried yelling. That didn't work. I tried swearing and although psychologically it helped, physically, it didn't do a thing. After a few hours, I finally figured out what it meant to breath through the contraction. I had to completely go inside myself and shut everything else out. Intense man. Intense. Meditation style intense.

We also tried playing my "Birth Playlist". I don't what I was thinking when I made that list. FYI- hard rock music makes you feel insane when you're choosing to labor without drugs. So I would say it worked but could have been better.

I don't remember the exact sequence of things but sometime between 2 and 5, my midwife, Jennifer Cook showed up. Oh dear was she amazing! So motherly and had such a calming presence. Again, the timeline of things aren't clear but she checked me and I was a six and stayed that way for an hour or two. My bag of water was so ready to break but since it hadn't yet and I wanted desperately to progress, they broke it for me. Never in my life had I felt such relief in wetting the bed.

At this point I was feeling delirious with each contraction-which were almost on top of one another. Jennifer asked if she could try some counter pressure on me to see if that would help. She moved the bed so it was as if I was sitting on stairs and my feet were resting on the step below the one I was sitting on. Does that even make sense? With each contraction, she would push my knees into the back of the bed. Sounds weird but it was instant relief. For the next 3 hours it was either her or Tyler that had to do this through each contraction. Poor Ty was doing it so long that his muscles were shaking just trying to keep me sane. My midwife and everyone else left the room and left me and Tyler alone for 2 hours to let us have some time together. Within that 2 hour gap I dropped the F bomb and told Tyler I wanted to die. It was magical. During my labor, I seriously considered getting an epidural but the thought of sitting still long enough for anyone to touch me made me want to go on a murderous rampage. So that was out of the question.

Maybe it was before the counter pressure that Jennifer pulled out her essential oils. I was skeptical at first but Citrus Bliss was my new BFF through the rest of labor. One whiff of this goodness and my hyperventilation stopped dead in it's track. At one point, I tried a few different labor positions and if possible, I wanted even more to die. I got back into my sitting-on-the-stairs position and then decided I'd try lying on my side to see if baby would turn so we could get this show on the road. It was painful and I felt like barfing but she turned and things were moving along even faster! The nausea wore off after a sniff of some Peppermint oil. People listen, you might think those folks that try to sell you on buying essential oils are nut jobs but it's because they KNOW that this stuff works. Listen to them and use them.

About an hour before showtime, I got up to go to the bathroom and saw that my sister, Meagan had shown up to see the miracle of natural labor( sorry I traumatized you for life). The nurses really wanted me to pee but I couldn't-she was just standing there staring at me! Since I wouldn't put on a show for the nurse, they punished me by making me use a catheter. I felt like one of those people on those weird catheter commercials. Turns out their punishment didn't have the effect they wanted it to because it didn't even hurt so there!

My midwife checked me right before going to the bathroom and I was dilated to a 9 1/2ish so she said once I'm out, I could start pushing. I started feeling the need to push which I always thought was fake. Turns out, it's not. I started to push but didn't really know what it meant to push so I'm pretty sure for the first 15 minutes I was just making push faces. I loved how gently Tyler was yelling at me to push. It actually felt good to push. I don't remember even feeling pain when she came out. After I got the hang of what it meant to push, the Mom and Scarlet Team were unstoppable!

Scarlet Jarman was born at 6:08 p.m. I wanted to do skin-to-skin right after she was born and it was heaven. When they put her on me she was the tiniest, warmest, most beautiful thing in the world. The nurses commented on how alert and present she was. I was so elated and had so much adrenaline running through my veins, I couldn't even cry. Which is fine because my sweat had already wiped off most of my mascara.

The look I saw on Tyler's face was my most favorite thing. He loved her instantly.

As wonderful as I've made the natural route sound and after going through 8 hours of it. I really wouldn't have it any other way. I am so proud of myself and I now know how strong I really am. My baby and I listened to each other and truly worked as a team to get her here. I think every women should go through this at least once. The most empowering feeling you will ever have.

Plus, it feels so good to say "In yo face!" to everyone who thought I would't do it.

As nuts as some may think it is, I might even do it again.

This ridiculous obsession with love

FOR THE RECORD..

...I had a baby on December 11th at 6:08 p.m. and she is beautiful and nice.

Scarlet (no middle name because we agreed to disagree) Jarman

the fine line between damn and thanks

Gratitude is usually easy to feel but it gets a little bit harder when you wake up every two hours to reposition your mound of pillows that surround your ever expanding body. So that's fun.
Being 5 weeks away from having a baby is so weird. Like this thing is coming out soon. Since I'm only a handful of weeks away from bringing a baby home, it's probably time to get a nursery set up. I just painted her room this weekend and maybe I'll set the crib up soon. It's not like she cares what the room looks like anyway and she doesn't even need a crib until she starts to move a lot in her sleep. We have a really big couch that she will like until then. Our dog seems to love it. I think instead of going through that Nesting phase, I'm going through Apathying. I don't care about most things these days. But not in a depressive way this time. I'm finding it hard to care about being social, being nice, being tactful, and working. Which maybe isn't so far off from my normal self. hmm.
But. I have been super needy and whiny. I am obsessed with Tyler lately. Like I am acting like we just started dating and I have to sit right next to him all day. And when I go to the grocery store, I just get flustered cause he isn't there to be practical and help us buy "meal food" so I end up just buying veggie corn dogs and frozen fruit. If someone invites me to go somewhere without him, I dread it because thinking about being away from Tyler for more than 30 minutes makes me want to pass out. What if I have a really good joke or I see someone trip and he can't be there to laugh with me?
I have been thinking about not letting people come see us in the hospital after she is born because I don't want anyone else to hold her. But then I realize that I am really going crazy for sure. So even if I hate that you're holding my baby for too long, I'll probably just look at Tyler so he can give me the "it's OK, calm down" look and I'll get over it.

at least I can't do this

11 weeks. Until baby gal comes. I have had two dreams where I've had the baby and I can see what she looks like and then I wake up and I'm really mean to everyone the rest of the day because she isn't really here.
Last week of school is on the 8th and I don't know if I can even use the word 'excited'. I'm just happy that I won't be so mean to everyone. I'm surprised people even talk to me anymore. Shout out to all you guys.
I started to incorporate a few different things into my massage recently so my hands don't hate me everyday and it made me actually like giving massages. Once I graduate, I can give you one. If you can do something cool in return maybe we can even trade.
The baby shower that my mom and sister are doing is coming up and I'm really excited to see how cute it's going to be. It's going to be cute because my mom and Meagan are really good at making things cute. I try to make things that are cute but I usually get distracted and stop halfway through so it ends up looking trashy. I feel sorry for my sister for when I plan her shower. Sorry ahead of time.
Ty and I are starting our baby class this week. It's at this house and some girl teaches it. She is trained in hypnobirthing, Bradly Method and probably some other stuff too. I am excited for Tyler to learn. He doesn't really listen to me when I try and teach him about labor and delivery but probably mainly because I just talk about how hospitals are just trying to make money off of everyone. I really need to calm down with all these crazy baby conspiracies.
I don't when I went so crazy. I blame Netflix mostly.

big pills are harder to swallow

my husband cares about decorating. this came as a shock to me when i realized it. my experience with the typical married man is that they only care about sports and steak yet I have never been to a steakhouse or watched a single sporting event with my tyler. these things are his choice, really, i did not sway him one bit. ty's idea of fun is talking, watching Ancient Aliens and going to Border's to look at art magazines. sometimes he even has the nerve to tell me what i'm wearing doesn't "go together". i'm being cute and eclectic, leave me alone!

continuing along those eclectic lines, i love buying random crap for my house. buying a house was a really bad idea. it gave me the freedom to buy crap for more than one room. tyler has strong opinions on how the house should look and what "feel" it should have. up until this point i have completely ignored him. big mistake. in my attempt to my the house feel like home, i just embarrassed myself. apparently green, blown glass buddah heads don't go with just anything. how many sets of curtains and cans of paint does someone really need? the old me would say, "the more the merrier!" well she was an idiot.

some might call me an impulsive shopper but used to think I was being spontaneous and fun.
after a year and a half of being spontaneous and fun at garage sales, Hobby Lobby's 60% off section, dollar store, KSL and generous family member's houses, it's time i admit that my house is disorienting and confusing at best.

it kind of felt good to admit this. now comes the fun part of purging. the one thing i like more than buying crap is throwing crap(or sometimes crucial papers) away.

everything goes!

it's down to bare bones.

this is going to be weird.

this also means that i have agreed to let tyler have a say in what happens in the nursery. no more saying, "you shouldn't even care, you're a boy".

changing is hard.

shiny body stuff

In my Structural and Movement class at the Utah College of Massage Therapy, I am learning some pretty cool things. This class is all about learning how you hold your body and the "holding patterns" that people develop over the years. Like you know when girls stick their butts out really far to make their butts look cuter?
That is called an anterior tilt and it's really bad for your pelvis and throws off your posture and muscles like crazy. Just tuck it back in, boys aren't worth anterior tilts.
Speaking of anterior tilts. I'm sick of skinny girls talking about their "pooches". Imagine if you will a bowl of fruit. Now imagine your pelvis filled with intestines. If you tip that bowl forward, the fruit/intestines are going to spill out. When you try to be cute and stick your butt out, your making your guts spill forward which is most likely what is causing that pooch. So yea, let's just all take a minute and put it all back.

I am also learning about Fascia. oh fascia. It is some gooood stuff. Have you ever noticed when you peel skin off of a chicken or when you eat real beef jerky and you see that silvery, shiny stuff? I don't know what this looks like since I've never skinned a chicken or eaten any kind of jerky but these are the examples my teacher gave me.
Anyway, that stuff is fascia.
Actually I have seen it before on a dead person. I went up to the University of Utah to their cadaver lab and saw fascia there. It's pretty.

So fascia surrounds your muscles, every muscle fiber and is all over inside your entire body. It's everywhere guys.

You know when you're just starting to run and you feel really stiff and then like 30 minutes later you feel all loose and warm? That's the fascia being warmed and loosened which in turn loosens the muscle.

Fascia is like coconut oil or butter or wax. It's solidified when at a regular temperature but when it gets warm, it totally liquefies.

Structural body work is all about loosening that fascia through slow, deep strokes and putting the tissue in your body back where it's supposed to be. It's those holding patterns we develop that pull the tissue out of place.

You know when you make your bed and put the bedspread on but the sheets underneath are still wrinkly and you can see the wrinkles through the top layer? That's what our skin is like. It's just the top layer of our body, but if our fascia is too tight or being pulled out of place, we look wrinkly.

Sometimes when you look at people on TV or at the pool or wherever shirtless people are and you see their back and they look like they have stripes or shadows in their lower back area. I started to google some pictures to show as an example but all that would come up was back fat through spaghetti straps tank tops. So do your own googling and see if you can see what I mean.
I used to think that those shadows or dips in their back was just part of back fat. Turns out. It's too tight fascia.

I asked my teacher. "Do you think sometimes if you think you have cellulite, it's really just tight fascia?"
She said. "Oh absolutely!"

This is the good news. You might not have as much cellulite as you think. All you need is some good structural bodywork done.

I would say, call me and I'll come straighten your issues out but I don't graduate until October and I know you won't be able to wait.
Until then, I know a girl would is an amazing body worker. I would be so happy to give you her number. Her name is Jessica.